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9 Dtoiders I'd Like To F**k


How the fuck is someone like me supposed to sit down and pick just nine of you to feature in a list like this? All the friendships I've made, those I've tried to help, those that have helped me.... man. As a longtime member I have to say it is not easy and I do not intend to cheat. Much like Strider I want my list to have integrity, unlike Strider however, I don’t know what integrity means. So before I single out nine of you, I would like to add some honorable mentions (in no particular order). Don't worry honorables, I'd fuck the shit out of all you as well. Except for Elsa. I always feel bad saying dirty things around Elsa.

Char FUCKING Aznable, Brightside, Yoj1mbo, EternalDeathSlayer, djnealb, Muckfoot, Alan Argentina, Revulooshun, Hector Garfria, Blasto, Bloodspray, Cold Willy, Dreamweaver, CaltySlitorous, Chist, Batthink, The Dustin of Thomas, Luna Sy, Motherfuckin’ HLBC, SayWord, JoyfulSanity, RenaudB80, SolarPonyDjango, CharlieWhistle, Script, CaimDarkReloaded, Nekrosys, Juice box, DanteKinkade, Nananananananananashi, Fenriff, The Drunken Crow, LuckRequired, BoomingEchoes, The Scholarly Gamer, AboveUp, Brutal2D, Jimboxx, Stealth, MrFunsockz, Mxy, Zodiac, N7, Isay Isay, Voltech, TroyFullbuster, El Dango, SexualChocolate, Retrofaction, The Defenstratoreror, Zyk, SpielerDad, Everyday Legend, My Enormous Hairy Downstairs Kitchen, draycott7, Deavil, Ardent Snow, tehTommy, Agent9, Jinx 01, Stevil, molamolacolacake, Alder B Dash, taterchimp, Mikey, ccesarano, Our glorious leader: Zombie Orwell, Dao2-SKP, Beccy Caine, Wrench, bbain, Corduroy Turtle, King Sigy, Fucking Tarvu, Shinta, Jaded, manasteel88, sluntchop, Swishiee, Griven, tekbunny, Funktastic, SilverDragon, beyamour, JoeTheProYaKnow, GoofierBrute, Silky/Epic, Pixielated, The Queen of Dtoid: Elsa and the amazing SeymourDuncan17.  You all are amazing people and I'm lucky to have interacted with and known over the years. I'm sorry if anyone got left off, but my mind can only hold so much. Now let's move on to those closer to my heart, but that I still can't fit onto the list itself.

Super honorable mentions to: Panza (you fucking dick holster), GlowieBurr (you a sexy and sassy little tater), Nihil (quit raping me), Qalamari (I will never be able to thank you enough), Smurfee (I miss you, first wife), PK493 (I miss you too first underage lover), ShadeofWhite (we have drifted apart, but I loves you still. So much), Alphadeus (you are an incredibly talented musician and on top of that you made me a theme song! Thank you for all the years of great music), Roberto Plankton (your art is amazing, your pictures bring me joy and you are an awesome fella) and Strider (you are fucking amazing and an inspiration. Thank you for everything you do for this place).

It would’ve hurt to leave you guys (and gal) off the list, had I any feelings.  In all seriousness though, you all have made a great impact on my life and I am so grateful to have in it. Fuck. Bitch tears are already starting….. Alright, let’s get this on before I soak my keyboard in something other than cum for once.

My Top 9 Dtoiders:

9): Long John
John is a person I’ve had back and forths with since I first became really active on Dtoid. A crazy, sexy Brazilian who loves butts as much as I do. John is always there with a great comment or PM to brighten up my day. I miss the days of OuterHaven where we could freely shoot the shit. As happens, John and I have drifted apart over the past couple years, but I still love him as much as I did the first time where shared a dick joke.

8): Occams Electric Toothbrush
Not going to pretend I know Occams or even have regular back and forths with him. Why is he on my list? Because despite us never being close, this guy has helped me in my times of need, always been there with uplifting words and he brightens everyday I browse these pages with his pics and jokes. No matter how bad a day I’m having, Occams can always get a smile out of me. One day I hope to sit in rich leather chairs and sip various wines with Occams. The room will be adorned with bedazzled Mexican Looney Toon pictures (framed of course) and tasteful nudes of Paula Deen. The statue on the table between us? JonBenet in a sexy pose of course.

7): M Randy Dixon
My first impression of this guy was one of wonder. Here was someone who liked talking about boners as much as I did. You don’t find such kismet often. In the years since we crossed paths, I have harassed the fuck out of Andy in a variety of terrible ways. If it wasn’t about him not doing his job enough, it was about fucking his wife or mother. Andy has always kept his cool with me though and despite being an ass, I have always respected the fuck out of him. It’s not easy doing what he does here, working a full time job, being a husband and most importantly: being a Dad. Yet, Andy balances all these things and does an exemplary job of it. The thing that secured him on this list though (and a place in my heart) was a simple text message. I will never forget that when I was ready to do something incredibly stupid, this fucking guy shoots me a text out of the blue and completely disarms me in the following conversation. Thing is, you ask around and many others have similar stories about Andy just popping up into their lives. This guy loves us and I am honored to call him a friend.

6): The Last Fucking Time I’ll Type Out a Long Fucking Name for You Lion
Lion is so sweet and genuine it will make you fucking sick. You’ll think he’s a fraud, or he’s just trolling you with it. He’s not. I have never known anyone like you man. You are a light in this world of shit and I wish more people like you existed. You remind me why I used to be nice and why I should strive to find that part of me again. The things you have done for my family have made you a part of said family. My door will always be open to you and I look forward to the day we meet. I am so happy you can breathe regularly now as well. You deserve nothing but the best my friend. Now, shut the fuck up Lion.

5): Mein Fuhrer OpiumHerz
It’s not often you get a package from a German that’s not covered in shit and cum. It’s even less common for a German to reach out to you, without trying to take over your country first. Yet since he’s exploded onto Dtoid, that’s exactly what Opium has done. Brash, blunt and beautiful, Opium is an amazing guy and I really wish our timezones/schedules were more in line. If I ever make it over there, or you come to New York, we will have that beer.

4): Usedtabe
Saying Tubbs takes trolling to the next level is a disservice to his artform. Able to rustle anyone’s jimmies in a single bound, an amazing father, a true friend, a purveyor of the finest midget porn (bless you) and one incredibly funny guy are just some of the accomplishments this guy has made. Even more amazing is that he has been able to achieve these things while having no neck. Tubbs has helped me over the years in many ways, whether it be monetarily, spiritually, giving me a chance to write my silly words for others and rescuing my broken podcast, Tubbs has always been there. I wish I had been half as good a friend back to him, but he understands that I’m half Mexican. Next time I’m in Texas, I’ll look you up Tubbs and buy you a beer, that you so deserve. I might even finally pay you back.

3): Ninjapresident
I don’t even know where to begin with this guy. He knows why I love him and why he is on this list. An crazy talented artist, great friend and incredibly smart young man. I am so proud of the person you’ve become over the years. You are going to do great things in this world man. Thank you for always believing in me, even when I didn’t. *hugs*

2): Kyousuke Nanbu
My second internet wife and a truly special person to me. Blunt, rude, smart and pretty as hell. Kyo has it all going on. What she has going on the most though, is that she is one of the best friends I’ve ever had (internet only be damned). Always there with an open ear and a picture of a cute kitty when you need one. Always understanding when I disappear for long periods of time and never judgemental of the stupid shit I say. She will kick your ass in any game, rub your face in it and you’ll love it. She will also drop truth on you in a heartbeat and not blink an eye. Some people can’t stand how rough she is in comments and some find her incredibly rude. Her incredible love of animals only makes the few rough edges more precious as a friend to me though. It’s rare to find someone so honest, blunt, unafraid to speak and refreshing these days. Thank you for always being there Kyo and thank you for being you.

1): BrowneyeWinkin
When I first saw that username I laughed out loud. So perfect. Since then we went on to become close buddies, then close as family and more recently to painfully drift apart. How much I love this guy can’t even be put into words and I have a feeling he feels the same. I am beyond proud to call you my little brother from another mother, am honored to call you my friend and am overjoyed we are talking again. Brown and I share a brotherhood in this world that was forged from pain, mistakes and being cunts who wouldn’t stop fighting against the shit trying to bring us down. It’s no secret that I have lost my way in recent times, but Brown’s words reminded me why I used to fight this shit. He reminds me not only of who I am inside, but what I stand for and why I need to continue fighting. Below his gruff, shit talking exterior is one of the most genuine, sweet people I’ve met this side of Kyo and Lion. You awkward, shit talking cunt I love you. You are the first person I’m coming to meet once my kids are grown and we gonna ride on some mothafuckers.


There you have it. My top 9, those I wish I could add and a huge list of all those I respect/love/miss/thank/bonerfloss. I hope it was an entertaining read at least. I look forward to reading more of these circle jerks as the month goes on. Huge thanks to everyone that has/had me on their list. Until the past couple weeks, I never realized how much my words and actions meant or effected some of you. I'm beyond happy if I ever helped you or made you smile. That's all I want to do at the end of the day. It's the beginning of the day that you have to worry about me sexually defiling you.

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About PhilKenSebbenone of us since 9:50 PM on 04.21.2009

Formerly known as Miguel Martinez. A total piece of shit, and burning in hell now. He was almost 38 and old, and one of your former Community Managers. He will never be Andy Dixon, but thankfully he will never be Wes either. He probably hates you as well (He's lying about that). He loves the cock though. He used to run The Low(er) Tier, he podcasted (and was on PStoid, led by dudes in pants) and got into development and then fell out of it. He says he enjoys nothing (his fat ass loves tacos though), but his known interests (besides games) are: reading, cooking, dying, hiking, playing with his kids, yelling at old(er) people, collecting various urine samples, stalking Smurfee, bad MSPaint work, thinking about working out, itching his bare butthole and seeing how long he can go without smelling his finger and Batman. He loves old school cars (Chevy), football (Packers & Niners) and of course: Vidya Gamze! You can see him all over the net with the same username, but mainly over at The Takeout.

His favorite games as a wee lass were: SMB3, Gunstar Heroes, Commander Keen, Blake Stone, Doom/Quake, Excitebike, Anything from Sierra/Lucasarts and MK. Now days he barely has times for games. Keen on TBS and Roguelikes still though (Spelunky ftw!). The replayability makes his dick hard. He also is known to be playing FPS online and headshotting your ass. He's always down to game with anyone, so feel free to hit him up on whatever you see I'm on. He's been on Dtoid quite awhile now (almost 10+ years) and has been involved in numerous off the radar things like contests, recaps, Community Managing, fucking dogs and spreading his AIDS. You could find him lurking mainly in the forums (fucking RIP), or on Communitoid, but yeah. Now he's a simple qpost whore. He also checks for spam and spreads his love here and there in cblogs and the fp. He loves you sick bastards. In a sexy non-sexual way. Mainly sexual. You ever need help, or an ear to vent to, DM him.

He is also on that thar Tweetarr @MikeMcPhil. Feel free to hit him up, He is always down to chat or lend an ear to someone in need. Or he'll send you some horrific or weird memes. Your choice.

Him Roberto Planktonfied:

Him Turvey-fied:

A fucking Xeno:

His career interview by Nihil

His Community Interview

Phil on Communitoid

Some Low(er) Tier Podcasts

Fapcasts can be found here

Twitch.tv Profile

His theme from the amazing Alphadeus:

Xbox LIVE:PhilK3nS3bb3n
PSN ID:MickGuerrera
Steam ID:hillbillysk8


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