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(NVGR) Cooking with Phil - First Edition


***I'm bumping this blog, to see if there's interest in me doing a new one. It's been over 4 years since this one, and I'm a much better cook, but not much better of a writer. Let me know in the comments, if you'd like a new one!

Welcome hungry readers. Listen to my stomach roar. Through a boombox. Look, I couldn't find a decent header and I just fucking winged it, ok? All the pictures are weird sized. I got lazy at the end. 2104 FUCKING WORDS ALRIGHT! I TYPED THAT (2112 now)! ANYWAY! MOVING ON. It's been a long time since I posted anything about cooking on this site. A recent back and forth in the comments, has urged me to share my love of cooking with you guys again. Let's fix my culinary absence shall we? I mean, Lord knows we can't let Hansen have all the fun. In this blog, I will take you through one days worth of meals. Not three meals you should actually eat in one day mind you. This is comfort food. Moderation should be considered. I'm not one to take pictures of my food normally, so stock photos will be used. If I continue to do this, I will be sure to take actual photos of the food as I make it. All dishes serve 3-5 people as that's what I cook for. Now, let's get to breakfast.

Breakfast: Sausage and Potatoes - What you need:

6-8 red potatoes

1 whole beef keilbasa (preferrably smoked)

2 cloves of garlic

1 green pepper

1 red onion

Black ground pepper and sea salt to taste. 2 tablespoons of virgin olive oil for the pan. Small amount for the oven. Ziploc bag.

Italian herbs and seasoning.


Begin by dicing your potatoes into quarters. Then halve those quarters, leaving you with 8 pieces per potato. Now get yourself a baking sheet and line it with foil. Place the diced potatoes in the ziploc baggie with a small amount of olive oil and shake it up. Throw in as much italian seasoning as you are comfortable with and shake it all up again. Now open the bag and place the covered potatoes on the sheet and pre-heat your oven to 375. Dice your garlic while it's pre-heating. Once finished place the garlic amongst the poatoes and throw it all in your oven for 18min. Begin checking every 5 minutes after the initial 18, until your potatoes are golden and somewhat crispy on the edges and soft inside.

During this 18-28min (it varies depending on the size of the potato pieces), cut up your keilbasa up into around half inch slices (thickness wise) and set them on a paper towel or plate and cover. Dice your green pepper and onion to whatever thickness or size you prefer. Get your skillet ready and add in the 2 tablespoons of olive oil. By this time, the potatoes should be done, so lets turn our stove on to just below medium heat. Add the vegetables first and cook until about halfway done. Now add in your potatoes and garlic. Continue cooking until potatoes are almost sufficently fried and browned and the vegetables are almost as soft and yummy as you like them. Basically cook everything until it's 5 minutes away from being done. Now crank the heat up a little and toss in your meat. The keilbasa will sear and brown fairly fast. Once everything is just the way you like it, salt and pepper to your preference and serve. 

Some of you might be wondering why I oven bake the potatoes instead of just outright fry them. In my experience, to acquire that softness that I love and to let the flavor really sink in and also have that crispness at the same time, the oven part is absolutely neccesary. The short trip to getting fried in the pan seals it all in and delivers a crunchy outside to the potatoes, that I've never seen mastered just doing one or the other.

Lunch: Twice Grilled Cheese and Caesar Salad - What You Need:

2 slices of your choice of bread (I prefer Italian for this)

Shredded cheese (A cheddar blend is great for taste, unless you want cheddar on the inside, then go with monterey jack or your preference)

1-2 slices of the inside cheese. I prefer swiss or muenster with a cheddar outside as stated above. Pepper Jack is also quite delicious though. 

Crisco (butter flavored) or your favorite butter substitute. Fun fact: I hate real butter. For grilled cheese I prefer using Crisco. Browns better and leaves more of the flavor to the sammich itself.

Cooking spray

Meat (optional): I'd be lying if I said I never added meat to this, but please think of all the calories already in this thing. If you must, some grilled deli cut chicken with green chili is quite delicous (especially with muenster and cheddar and a light coating of spicy deli mustard) as is grilled honey ham. Always grill your meat in the pan before adding it to the sammich.

For the salad: Your choice of leaves (I like a romaine and spinach mix), parmesan flakes, croutons (garlic texas toast are da bomb) and caesar dressing.  


Butter or grease (Crisco) your bread, making sure to lightly cover every available spot. Pre-heat your pan with a light coating of non-stick cooking spray. Do not use butter. It can cause the bread to stick or get soggy/too greasy.  Add 1 slice of cheese to the bottom piece of bread. If adding in your (grilled dammit) meat, add that on top of the first slice of cheese. If not using meat, only add 1 slice of cheese (when using meat, the second slice secures the top piece of bread to the sammich and keeps the whole thing together) and add the top piece of bread. Put the thing in the pan and cook the first side until its golden. Not browned, golden. If you like your grilled cheese kind of burnt (I sure as fuck do, mmmmm), you need to let that go of that with this one. Trust me. No burning your bread, it will be too much of a burnt taste. Once one side is golden and you have flipped the sammich to toast the other side, add a decent layer of the shredded cheese to the already toasted layer. Cover the top with it and make sure it's decently thick. Now, after the second side of bread is golden and you are ready to flip onto the cheese coated side, lightly coat the pan with spray and then put down the shredded cheese side. If you skip this step, the cheese will stick to the pan. Leave the cheese side down until you see the outer edge of the cheese harden. As the cheese is hardening, add shredded cheese to the newly golden, toasty side. Once cheese on the bottom is hardened, flip and finish the last side. Caution: When flipping the cheesy sides, be gentle with your spatula. You don't want to squish the sandwich. Go at it at an angle and as I said, be gentle. This beast is very easy to mess up in regards to flipping, once the shredded is in play. Once finished, allow sammich to sit 2 minutes before serving with the side salad. If you must serve with chips, I recommend Fritos or plain Lays/Ruffles. 

Dinner: Chicken - Cashew Stir Fry and White Rice - What You Need:

White Rice (following serving sizes on package)

2 decent sized chicken breasts (marinated in ginger, garlic powder and black pepper rub w/ a little lime juice)

2 cloves of garlic

1/4 cup of cornstarch

2 tablespoons of soy sauce

1 tablespoon teriyaki sauce

2 cups of divided chicken broth (I don't know why it has to be divided, but all the recipes say so and the broths I buy for cooking are already divided, so yeah)

1 and a half cups of cashews

Your choice of stir fry-ish veggies (I like broccoli, cauliflower, peas, carrots, asparagus, a little cabbage or spinach and some thinly cut mushrooms.


The Day Before:

The day before the meal, take out your chicken and a ziploc to hold it. Get some ground ginger, garlic powder and black pepper and rub it into the chicken. I've been using rubs forever, so look this up for measurements if needed. I've been eyeballing rubs since I was 20, so I'm not a good teacher for that. Anyways, stab the chicken breasts with a fork violently while laughing and then rub in your spices. Throw it in the ziploc in the fridge for at least 18hrs before the meal.

Dinner Time (Take the chicken out of the fridge, 30min before cooking):

Now I fucking suck at making rice. I have a rice steamer do a better job than I ever could. I've even fucked up Uncle Bens. I don't know how, I just can't do it. Rice is my cooking achilles. Fuck you delicious rice.

In a skillet, heat up 3 tablespoons of the chicken broth. Then mix the cornstarch, soy sauce and remaining broth until it's gravy-ish. Set that hot mess aside. Throw the chicken into the skillet, along with cashews. Cook at medium until chicken is done (no pink). At that temp, it should take anywhere from 5-8 minutes. Remove chicken and cashews from the skillet (put on plate and set in microwave, it'll help keep it warm and safe), leave remanants of sauce and such in the skillet (it's for flavor). Add in your veggies and fry 'em up - mine take about 5-8 minutes to get where I want (semi tender). Now, add in remaining broth and the chicken/cashews. Cook and stir until broth burns down a bit (about 3-5 minutes) and everything gels together. Top your rice and dig in! 

So there is 3 meals for you folks. We are done. Get out of my kitchen please. I don't believe in dessert really, so eff you on that. Holy shit, I've written a lot of words and I'm really hungry now. I ate this brownie thing before sitting down (Don't look at me like that. I didn't make it. I SAID I DIDN'T USUALLY DO DESSERT!) and......


You know? Before I go.......

Bonus Stoner Feast:  

Look, some of you are known to get down with the herbal supplements. It's 2am. You want to eat like a God. You have money to burn. You go to Taco Bell. It is awesome, but you could have had it so much better. This one requires a little pit of pre-planning (and pre-burning of said money). It's so fucking worth it though. This delicious fuck serves anywhere from 2-6, depending on how high or fat you all are. What is it? 

Ass Violating Nachos


Take yourself to the .99 store early in the day and get:

1-2 bags of Tortilla chips


refried beans (you're gross)



Go to a regular store and get:

1-2 bags of shredded mexican cheese

olives (most .99 stores don't carry snooty olives. Say fuck you to peasants and a get a big can of sliced ones)

1-2 avocados

Take your happy ass to Taco Bell and get (This should be done right before you smoke that night or day. Don't smoke and drive):

4 side orders of nacho cheese.

Optional Toppings (get wherever the fuck you want):

Meat (duh): Carne asada and grilled chicken can both be bought in pre-cooked, strip form and simply heated up in a skillet. As can ground beef (1 lbs.) and taco seasoning. You want to get fancy, head to the local Mexican mart and get pollo or carne asada and grill it yourself.

Green chilis

Sour cream

Tapatio (or your totally fucking badass choice, because you're so hard) or chili verde

Green onion (diced)

Ball hair


Get a big ole glass baking dish. 9x13. Pre-heat oven to 375. Lay down a light layer of shredded cheese. Layer the chips on top. Add jalapenos and olives (don't forget your beans if you're a gross fuck!), drizzle with 1 cup of nacho cheese. Lay down another layer of shredded cheese, chips, japapenos, olives and nacho cheese, repeat 2 more times (until nacho cheese is gone or pan is full). If using meat, add meat to each layer as well. Optional: Add in verde sauce or Tapatio to each layer as well, If you are using green chilis, add them in the layering process. Cover top with remaining shredded cheese, olives and jalapenos. Place in oven for 15-20min. While nachos are in oven , get ready the avocados (slice them up) and any additional toppings you want (sour cream, more hot sauce, etc.).

Once finished cooking in oven, remove nachos from oven and let sit for 5 minutes (smoke a stogie). Garnish with whatever additional toppings you made and ingest! 

That was fun. Wasn't it?

Thank you for reading this, I hope something on here sounds good to you. Please don't ever ingest all these meals in one day. The diarrhea would kill you before the heart attack does. Have a good week everyone!

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About PhilKenSebbenone of us since 9:50 PM on 04.21.2009

Formerly known as Miguel Martinez. A total piece of shit, and burning in hell now. He was almost 38 and old, and one of your former Community Managers. He will never be Andy Dixon, but thankfully he will never be Wes either. He probably hates you as well (He's lying about that). He loves the cock though. He used to run The Low(er) Tier, he podcasted (and was on PStoid, led by dudes in pants) and got into development and then fell out of it. He says he enjoys nothing (his fat ass loves tacos though), but his known interests (besides games) are: reading, cooking, dying, hiking, playing with his kids, yelling at old(er) people, collecting various urine samples, stalking Smurfee, bad MSPaint work, thinking about working out, itching his bare butthole and seeing how long he can go without smelling his finger and Batman. He loves old school cars (Chevy), football (Packers & Niners) and of course: Vidya Gamze! You can see him all over the net with the same username, but mainly over at The Takeout.

His favorite games as a wee lass were: SMB3, Gunstar Heroes, Commander Keen, Blake Stone, Doom/Quake, Excitebike, Anything from Sierra/Lucasarts and MK. Now days he barely has times for games. Keen on TBS and Roguelikes still though (Spelunky ftw!). The replayability makes his dick hard. He also is known to be playing FPS online and headshotting your ass. He's always down to game with anyone, so feel free to hit him up on whatever you see I'm on. He's been on Dtoid quite awhile now (almost 10+ years) and has been involved in numerous off the radar things like contests, recaps, Community Managing, fucking dogs and spreading his AIDS. You could find him lurking mainly in the forums (fucking RIP), or on Communitoid, but yeah. Now he's a simple qpost whore. He also checks for spam and spreads his love here and there in cblogs and the fp. He loves you sick bastards. In a sexy non-sexual way. Mainly sexual. You ever need help, or an ear to vent to, DM him.

He is also on that thar Tweetarr @MikeMcPhil. Feel free to hit him up, He is always down to chat or lend an ear to someone in need. Or he'll send you some horrific or weird memes. Your choice.

Him Roberto Planktonfied:

Him Turvey-fied:

A fucking Xeno:

His career interview by Nihil

His Community Interview

Phil on Communitoid

Some Low(er) Tier Podcasts

Fapcasts can be found here

Twitch.tv Profile

His theme from the amazing Alphadeus:

Xbox LIVE:PhilK3nS3bb3n
PSN ID:MickGuerrera
Steam ID:hillbillysk8


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