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I Watched 50 Shades for You Bastards


So. I'm back from my viewing of 50 Shades of Grey. It was... An interesting two hours. No stares from the ticket handlers or anyone in the theater, that had me immensely disappointed. I had a single can of tea to last me the two hours, and it dried up in the first 10 minutes so I could focus more on my notes. I was a solid 26 minutes early, so I got 26 minutes of ads, one of which was about how love doesn't come first, and it almost had me burst out laughing in the theater. There were a lot of ads and previews for horror and mystery movies, which had me chuckling to myself. If you couldn't tell, I'm putting off talking about the actual movie.

Sigh. Okay. The movie is bad. legitimately terrible. I just saw it, and it's already being phased out of my memory. Luckily, I have my notes. the movie opens with a generic scroll through the city, flashes to jogging, and eventually ending on a shot of what I deemed at the time "a corporate slave." The movie cuts out pages of the painful opening sequence, most of the useless banter with her "roomie" and outfit chewing, and Anastasia is forced by the current into an interview with the, er, "enigmatic" Christian Grey within the first 5 minutes. But only after tripping on literally nothing.

The "interview" last a grand total of 3 seconds, during which Anastasia asks Christian if he's gay and why he has no friends. Real classy, lady. But, Christian, being the corporate slave that he is, becomes enamored by his first taste of a woman who is not also a corporate slave or the typical slut he bangs. So naturally, he steals from her to show his affection, and we cut to outside, where it is raining, even though it was sunny in the building.

Back home, Anastasia is reminded why she needs a new roommate and circle of friends, and runs into her Hispanic friend who is a closeted rapist on her way to work. At work, Anastasia runs into Mister Stalker, oh, pardon me, I mean Mister Grey. This scene really irritates me, because Christian buys bondage supplies, including untreated climbing rope. Go to an adult goods shop for that shit you fucking mongrel, you're going to hurt someone if you get all your tools from a hardware store.

Skip ahead to the club, where Anastasia drunk dials her creepy stalker boyfriend and tells him he can go shove his thoughtful gift up his ass, ya dick. The closeted rapist shows up again, suddenly free of the closet, and Stalker Boy saves the day by abducting Anastasia in broad clublight. She wakes up in Christian's home or some shit, in new clothes, and asking if he raped her, which wouldn't be unexpected from a man such as Christian. His response is that he's not into necrophilia, which was actually pretty funny.

The two hav some pointless bnter, and Christian says he doesn't do love, to which Ana asks him to enlighten her, and I'm left wondering who the fuck talks like this. Christian pulls out a sex contract, and Anastasia replies, as I put it, "u gon mak luv on me bb." But no. Christian doesn't mak luv. He fuks. Hard. When it's revealed that Ana's still got her v card(pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff) Christian makes soft, passionate love to her, and she instantly turns into a sex starved harlot. Like, whoa lady, calm the fuck down, literally.

Just gonna take a moment here and say they chose someone who's too skinny to play Ana. She's got no waste or butt, and her ribs show. Make her eat some damn cheesburgers before the inevitable second movie.

So Christian shows Ana to the room he'll be keeping her imprisoned in, but only on the weekends. Creepily, Christian never changes his prison room, so 15 of his previous fuck buddies stayed in this room before Ana. Dude. Seriously. You own a hotel. Change the fucking room.

So Ana runs away from the sex contract because it's creepy, and something you should run away from. But, she has it in her heart to let the creep drive her home, and take her on a stroll through the forest. By the time she gets back, the whole "I'm angry at your sex contract!" bit has completely been forgotten, and I am reminded of my hatred for her roommate, and also how creepy Christian is, because he's bought her an overpriced piece of garbage. I mean, because he's bought her a Mac. Ahem.

The movie starts saving money on actually paying the actors to speak by having long moments of silence where it's nothing but texting or chat logs. There's at least 30 minutes of this garbage, I swear. I'm going to be honest, the next portion of the movie is a complete blank. I only remember her decorating the weekend prison, and then Christian stealing and selling her car, then giving her a newer, uglier one. As the notes put it, what a creep.

The last 40 or so minutes of the movie have no notes, so we're going off my memory. So Ana signs the contract after ruling out fisting of all forms, suspension, and pretty much anything BDSM that isn't cute puffy handcuffs or spanking. So we're left with a "steamy" BDSM film with no real BDSM. They try to have sex at a party Christian's mother is throwing, what a fucking disgusting couple, you own several rooms, keep that shit away from the family you mongrels.

Ana starts having second thoughts on the relationship after he reveals his mother was a crack addict who died before he was conscious of himself. Because that totally matters. She visits her mother in Georgia or some shit, and Christian, in typical stalker form, follows her, and takes her on a plane ride in a plane I'm not sure can land on its own, and the couple eventually returns to wherever the fuck they were before this.

Back at the sex hotel, Christian delivers his famous "I'm 50 shades of fucked up" line, and I fist pumped that the stupid line made the cut. I was psyched. Things were at their dumbest, so Ana asks Christian to show her how fucked up he was. She researched BDSM, and asked him to do this stuff to her. Then runs away crying after being spanked 6 times by a belt. What. Don't get me wrong, she should be running from this creepy stalker, but she asked him to spank her with a belt, then runs away, because he spanked her with a belt. And then the movie ends.

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About Chistone of us since 3:28 PM on 10.26.2011

I'm your sexy local eyepatch wearing messiah. I watch garbage movies for internet points, and sometimes appear in community podcasts where bad movies/shows are watched.

I sometimes remember I have a Twitter and post horribly stupid shit in it.