Umiibo

I once did a couple of favors for a wizard, and in addition to forcing me to go on a quest to destroy some jewelry, She gave me a crystal Pepsi that lets me see into the future of disastrous pop culture. I would like to share with you one such dark premonition.

The year is 2016 A.D. and the Gas Crisis seems a distant memory. Almost all Canadians have been exiled or buried in mass graves. The entire ex-country has become part oil well, part dumping ground for the whole world. Al Gore releases another documentary about global warming. Chinese is now an offered language at every public school in the western hemisphere. Nintendo's upper management stares at each other blankly, unsure how to continue to fill the bottomless pit they throw their money and sarlaccs into.

A junior executive breaks the silence, his voice trembling at the fear of rejection. "Sir, I have an idea." The board shifts their sole focus onto the sweat dripping from his brow. He is barely heard over the expectant breathing of his elders. "What if we make custom amiibos? people can submit their mii's and we'll send them a molded replica, that allows the function of their mii in all our future games."

The collective shiver up the backs of the board members fills the room with an estatic electricity. The junior member is rewarded with successive blowjobs to the point of dehydration. The website is up in days, and over flowing with orders in minutes. At $30.00 after shipping, over four hundred million are sold the first quarter. Nintendo is forced to become one of the largest owners of 3D printers in the world. Celebrities soon endorse their own custom UMiibos for mass sale, causing A nation wide shipping shortage in the United States. Soon one out of every ten people work for a mailing company. The world begins to over flow with tiny plastic replicas of its inhabitants.

The first question on every game journalist's lips is will it feature UMiibo compatibility. Xbox releases a similiar platform for its avatars but is largely ignored. Sony responds with a complete refusal to join the "bubble market" and stock prices plummit. Sony devices become synonmous with cheap and ineffective due to a lack of Umiibo support. Microsoft is caught virally forcing copies of Windows 11 onto various Nintendo related applications and slowly fades away due to a series of devastating lawsuits and ddos attacks.

Nintendo is left an entertainment behemoth, greater than ever before. The cost of manufacturing the additional vinyl and plastic for the Umiibo rampage shatters our atmosphere. With what was Canada developing as a CO2 hotspot the Sun begins to scathe the oceans. Major news networks barely have enough funding to report the brewing wars over the last remaining plantations. There are more Umiibos than living people on the planet by the Christmas season.

But this world is avoidable, It has not come and may yet not. Do not let Nintendo fall into this spiral! Limit oneself to three or maybe four amiibo purchases. You genuinely don't need them all.

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Charlietime   

Gajknight   1