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New Year's Resolutions from Gaming's Top Figures


Sega & Capcom - After the unexpected success of the Archie Comics series Worlds Collide, we’re happy to announce that we’ll be developing a cross-over game starring our biggest mascots. So fans, look forward to Rockman Xover x Sonic Boom for the Amazon Fire TV in late 2015!

Arthur Gies (Reviews Editor at Polygon) - After much consideration I’ve decided in 2015 I’ll start seeing a therapist so I may finally overcome my fear of the female body.

Reggie Fils-Aimé (President & COO of Nintendo of America) - Start a Hunger Games-style death competition where the winner gets the opportunity to buy a Marth amiibo. Actual prize may vary.

Mark Zuckerberg (Owner of Oculus Rift) - Everyone was overjoyed when we purchased Oculus Rift this year, so in 2015 we’re going to keep the tidings of good joy rolling by buying Nintendo.

Troy Baker (Voice Actor) - My highly recognizable and highly profitable verbal skills will continue to whitewash video games as I do the voices for all Asian, African American, Hispanic and Native American characters. Hell I’ll even voice a woman or two.

Phil Spencer (Head of Microsoft’s XBox Division) - This year we stopped making the Kinect an essential part of the XBox One experience. In 2015 we’re going a step further by taking the console out of the equation as well.

Andrew House (President of Sony Computer Entertainment) - We have some big plans for 2015 inclu---- internet connection failed.

Michael Aschenbrenner (RCMADIAX Developer) - Over the last year I released several crappy games on the Wii U eShop. Next year I’m going to surprise people by putting out some real shit.

West Games (“Developer” of Areal) - We’re going to create our own crowd-funding website so it will be easier to scam people.

Daniel Sussman (Director at Harmonix) - I’m happy to announce that we will be turning the classic film The Wizard of Oz into a video game; but we’re going to put a Harmonix spin on it, so I hope fans will look forward to singing Somewhere Over the Wrecking Ball, The Merry Old Thrift Shop of Oz and Harlem Shake it Off to See the Wizard.

Curt Schilling (Founder of 38 Studios) - I hear California has a budget surplus.

Jonathan Holmes (Former Destructoid Mascot) - I'm going to hit the bar scene, find the right guy to put a couple drinks in me, go back to his place and have him turn me into one of Gaming's Bottom Figures.

Electronic Arts - Same shit, different year.

Kim Kardashian (Professional Millionaire) - When I singlehandedly created Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, my life went into a tailspin due to the hectic development schedule for such a monumental and genre defining game. It was a sacrifice, but that's what you do when you dedicate your life to your fans. For 2015, I'm going to take a step back and really put myself first, which is something I never do. I'm also going to show off my vagina more and spend quality time with my rapper husband and our beautiful baby daughter whose name I can't remember right now. I want to say... Djibouti. Djibouti is a girl's name, right? My daughter's name is Djibouti.

Pewdiepie (Entertainer?) - In 2014, I realized the vast control that I have over your children. In 2015, I’m going to orchestrate a mass suicide, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anita Sarkeesian - Imma straight up murder a dude.

Lizard Squad - We had a good time taking down the Sony's and Microsoft's online network this year, so in 2015 we’re going to take down Nintendo’s. We've done the research and have come to the conclusion that throwing a rock through their office window should do the trick.

Kazou Hirai (President of Sony) - This year we sold some buildings to help alleviate loses from our consumer electronics division. Next year we’re selling employees.

Yves Guillemot (CEO of Ubisoft) - I am happy to say we are finally going to begin development on Beyond Good & Evil 2... so long as at least 10 million people pre-order the next Assassin's Creed game, Just Dance 2015, Toy Soldiers: War Chest and Tom Clancy’s The Division.

Frank O’Conner (Franchise Director at 343 Studios) - We plan to do exactly what we did this year: release a fully functioning video game. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to ride my unicorn to the Moon.

Jim Sterling - I'm going to go drinking with Jonathan Holmes!

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About CJ Andriessenone of us since 6:56 PM on 10.14.2014

Just what the internet needs: yet another white guy writing about video games.