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Sony Cancels All Upcoming Games For Fear They Will Upset Dear Leader


Hours after Sony Pictures announced it would not release the Seth Rogen/James Franco film The Interview, Sony Computer Entertainment said it is canceling all upcoming games after it learned some of the games might make Kim Jong-un angry.

More than 10 games, including The Order: 1886, Gran Turismo 7 and Hotshots Golf, have been shelved. SCE President Andrew House said the decision was made after the company received anonymous threats of violence that said, quote “will do to Sony what E.T. did to Atari.”

“After the threats came in, we started going over some of these games and we could see where they were coming from. Quite frankly, our games are not North Korea friendly,” House said in an press conference. “For instance, in the upcoming Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture, what happens when you get to the Rapture and Kim Jong-un is not there? That would be highly offensive to North Koreans because, as we all know, Un is God incarnate and of course God will be at the Rapture, saving the brave North Koreans while laying waste to all us filthy, perverted Americans.”

House ended his press conference by kissing a picture of Kim Jong-un, with tongue, for five minutes. In addition to canceling its own games, Sony is asking third party developers to take North Korea into account when creating games for its system. Following that guidance, Capcom announced today that Kim Jong-un will replace all playable characters in the upcoming Street Fighter V.

“When Sony first talked to us about making our game more North Korean friendly, we were skeptical,” said series producer Yoshinori Ono. “But then we started hearing rumors out of North Korea that Kim Jong-un is actually the greatest martial artist in the world, with 97 black belts and the ability to throw a real sonic boom. Based on that evidence, it was clear that Dear Leader, who is also the sexiest and most virile lover on the planet according to the North Korean press, was the only man worthy of appearing in Street Fighter V.”

[UPDATE: In a press release issued this evening, Sony announced there are no changes to the Playstation Vita’s upcoming release schedule because it forgot the Vita existed.]

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About CJ Andriessenone of us since 6:56 PM on 10.14.2014

Just what the internet needs: yet another white guy writing about video games.