You raise up your head
And you ask, “Is it why I'm here?”
And somebody points to you and says
And you say, “What's near?”
And somebody else says, “Where's beer?”
And you say, “Oh my God,
Am I here all alone?”
Because something is happening here,
And you don't know what it is...
You know what's happenin' and I'm sure as hell aware of why ya stumbling 'round here. You 'ere for some hate, right, partner? Also, to find out why your fave game sucks. Easy, easy, hold your horses! We're civilized fellas... Let's settle this quarrel (which I'm gonna win, without any doubt) by the way of pleasant, old-fashioned showdown debate. Whatcha say? The one to lose is cleaning Uncle Otis' shittin' store, deal? I know it's gonna be you, but well... a man's gotta take his chances, right? So here we go, you 'ungry for dysentery weasels!
H8 (Absolutely True and Completely Undeniable)
Reasons Your Favourite Game Sucks! ♥
1) It completely ruined the beloved franchise (a.k.a. “Jump that shark, boyo!”)
A shark's gotta do what a shark's gotta do.
(Presented extracts are courtesy of Crapcom's “Leon's Fishing Simulator Deluxe” ©)
Remember those sweet times when that one franchise was prosperous and utterly original? The time before that game you love and adore came out and ruined everything? Before it turned the series into a “boring shooter” or “hipster-driven stylish malarkey”? I bet you do! Well, changes are horrible. That's why those games are literal manifests of everything wrong with the world. It's like when you go to your favourite cafe to taste yourself some fried toasts (like usual), only to find out how they shove them damn churros down your throat! That's like... totally sick, ain't it?!
2) It is just a rip-off (a.k.a. “What is rip-off? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...”)
Rip-off? I hardly know off.
Everything is a rip-off in its own way. God of War is a Rygar rip-off. Candy Crash Saga is a Banner Saga rip-off. Dead Space is a Space rip-off. List could go on and on, and on. And, given how much of our universe left uncharted, there just could be another you somewhere along the way, so even you might be a rip-off. You might think that I don't even understand a definition of a word "rip-off". Well, lemme say you something, fella. I know what a rip-off is, and you don't. Also, I know that there's only one outhouse you'll need million of light years to clean and it's Uncle Otis' one. So, you betta stop being an ignorant smarty-pants and grab the darn shovel!
3) It looks plain stupid (a.k.a. “Look in the mirror”)
Choose the right videogames.
4) It's overhyped as shit (a.k.a. “It's overhyped as shit”)
Have you ever played "Watch Dawgs"? Well, nobody have. Every single gamer in this galaxy was so disappointed by the game's overall quality that it was massively ignored by the community and sold roughly 8 mil. copies (that's like diaper money). The worst thing is... people never learn. I never believed in Destiny, but some darn fatalists did! And most of them were let down by the end result.
You wanna know why those so-called "overhyped" games weren't as good as we wanted them to be, in the first place? I have an answer why.
Them damn commies.
Commies are like complete opposites of Santa Claus' elves. They don't help make stuff, they help make it as sucky as one could. They might look like some outgoing, "let's partaaaay" chaps, but when the sun goes down, those magnificent bastards run like a lightning to the nearest videogame companies and break your most anticipated titles. The worst thing is... you don't know who they are. It might as well be you, me or my best buddy, Cletus. There could be one standing right behind you as you're reading this text.
They pretend to eat.
They pretend to sleep.
They pretend to know you.
The only natural desire they have is breaking your would-be favourite game.
And they'll never stop until there's no "overhyped" game left untouched.
#commies #lookout #truth
5) It got less than 8,5 from those guys next door (a.k.a. “Metacritic is the best critic!”)
It should, you silly billy goose you.
8,5 is at least an adequate justification for mediocority. But even less than that? That's some horse poo-poo, if you ask me. Playing the game like this is not only a waste of time, but a disservice to community. It's also utterly disgusting. It's a digital equivalent of holding an ejaculating elephant trunk in your hands. It may be fun at first, but in the end, it feels nothing but messy.
6) It was made by a woman (a.k.a. “Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?”)
When I first stumbled upon a gut-bustingly hilarious thought thata woman could be something of a help outside of the kitchen, I heard a blob of two year old moonshine bursting from laughing somewhere down ma belly. It was so absurd and abnormal, that even my old girl, Muriel, got a good chuckle outta this one.
Then, our most respected local drunk, Billy Bob, came to the town with the disgusting news that some strange beasts called “feminists” were indeed roaming around our parts. We were so shittin' scared, that our local doctor, Billy Bob Jr., declared quarantine (the biggest one, since when some fancy city folks told us that masturbate isn't used to catch large fish). Worst of all, it happened during our annal tradition of celebrating Pelvis' anniversary (sadly, he doesn't get as much love as his cousin).
So, Billy Bob gathered up a posse of deadly possums, they buckled up and drove into sunset on a big hunt. We never heard a word from them since then. Ever.
Why I told ya all this? Well, to show you how stupid it is to even consider a thought that woman could make a game, let alone try to get out of its natural habitat. Makes absolutely no sense, right?
7) It's exclusive (a.k.a. “It's in the game, sucka!”)
EA loves and respects everyone.
You know why some developers release their games on a particular system? Wha? Cause of some utterly ridiculous devil pacts with the publishers? Sorry, I couldn't hear you cause the air is too damped by the bullshit flowing around. No. The answer is barer than your mom on the day you was born (I know it, I was there). It's because they're greedy bastards.
WiiU? Moar like FkU!
Let's take Bayonetta 2, for example. Why WiiU? Everybody knows WiiU is a console for little kids, right? And what little, pesky, obnoxious (and, probably too fat and too virgin) kids like more than watching the plumber (?) fail to get the princess everytime? Long-legged sexy witches, of course! So what do the greedy bastards do? They make their game exclusive to sell more copies (and consoles, obviously). Voila! Simple as that.
Now take a look at Electronic Arts. These lavish fellas release their games on every available console (damn sure there are even some on the toasters). Why so? Because, unlike Nintendo, Microsoft and that other greedy corporation giant, they care about us. They treat us like people, not costumers. They are like that good-natured Midas fella. Generous, sincere and outgoing chaps they are. Anyway, they could poo gold, and you couldn't. So, go get a life and stop being an envious jerk.
8) Most importantly, it sucks because...
a.k.a. “You are a worthless pansy-ass who is now weeping and slobbering all over your gameset like a nine year old girl!
Your life sucks. Your pets hate you. Your girlfriend/boyfriend/mom is probably cheating on you with your best bud (who's smelling of elderberries, by the way).
I don't even want to talk to you no more. I fart in your general direction!”
I know what you mighta thinking. An angry, old cracker. Well, guess what, you darn muthas? I AM old, and so happens that I rounded up a lot of them cattles back in the day. And sometimes... I get a little angry. So suck a dick!
And remember: you're always entitled to your wrong opinion.
Good Night, and Good Luck, you pondering sloths!
See ya at Uncle Otis' outhouse meditation parlour!