(Todays surprise Nintendo Direct has come to us through strange channels. Instead of the usual broadcasts to the internet and directly to the Wii U, it has been transmitted through the somewhat twisted psyche of Rowdy Rhod. He promises that he has transcribes it as acurately as he can remember....)
Satoru Iwata : Hello this is Satoru Iwata from nintendo, It is me who is going to be bringing this special episode of Nintendo Direct directly to you. For today's special we were going to bring you news of Captain Toad's treasure tracker but we are very sorry to have to announce a delay until next year.
As we now do not have a major game for coverage, we have decided to take a special look at one aspect of Nintendos history. Our fantastic award winning videogame music. I felt like it had been a very long time since we celebrated the 50th Anniversary of our special Love hotels, and wanted to share an insight with you.
When developing the love hotels we found that the true key to a successful hotel room was the magnificent music that we used to get you in the mood for love. But a little known secret is that we have been using this special music in our video games since donkey Kong!
But it has already been more than 30 years since then. Time sure flies, doesn't it?
Our mission in this extra special episode of Nintendo Direct is to count down the special top 10 Nintendo love songs directly to you.
I think you will find this can add new elements of fun to your lovemaking!
10. 1080 Snowboarding – work your body I am sure that a lot of you are disappointed by the low entry that this placed at on our list. I think you will agree that this was simply too conventional a lovemaking choice to rank higher. When you hear the classic line “push it in” you will no doubt realise that this was made to make you go wild!
9.pokemon stadium – clefairy says – Did you know that we put subliminal messages into this mini game? When clefairy sings it's really Nintendo code to get down and dirty.
8.star fox 64 – corneria – We added military beats to go along side this steamy sensational song. As Mr Shigeru Miyamoto once told me, its not the size of the meat, its the rhythm and the beat! He really did tell me that. Really!
7. Mario 64 – end credits. - Are you bringing someone special round tonight? Some people like Barry White, or Manilow to set the mood for a special occasion. Me? I like to put this soothing ballad on and romance the night away. Wanna play plumbers? Let me pipe you!
6. wii sports theme – Sometimes you want to play it smooth. This jazzy number is great for those casual encounters when you just want to lounge around. As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
5. punch out – Ah this classic reminds me of the early days of Nintendo. The rhythm keeps me going all night. Grinding away. And the knock out music just makes me explode. Sex burns 300 calories per hour, wanna exercise?
4. zelda 2 – palace music – Imagine yourself in a luxurious bed in a palace. This music playing in the background makes you more and more excited! It feels so dangerous! I am not a king but I'll give you something royal.
3. f zero mute city – Reggie Fils-Amis told me that in his younger days he used to be the man around the town. He used to rock it up! And we've always known that he's a big hit with the ladies. This was his tune. Hey baby! I got the biggest exhaust pipe you'll ever see!
2. Kirby dreamland green greens – Whenever I think of Kirby I always think of eating. He's got such a big appetite. When it comes to the citizens of dreamland he usually eats em in, then eats em out.
1. Mario kart double dash lose screen- And here we are. Now finally we bring the winner of the Nintendo direct lovemaking chart directly to you. When you hear it you may think this is a strange choice, but you see this is the one you will learn to love the most. What we at Nintendo have found is that no one can be angry with you when this song is playing. Mr Shigeru Miyamotos was caught in a compromising situation with a stranger once. But because this song was playing his partner saw the funny side and started laughing. Me and Reggie use this technique too. Listen to the song. It's so stupid. How could anybody be angry with you when that song is playing. Ha ha ha. Stupid but soo sexy!
As for the brand new Wii U games, we hope to develop plenty more love , it will take some time before we can make a more concrete announcement. But I hope you will look forward to our new challenges of revisiting every game to find more kinky music. Please stay tuned for updates on our new challenges. And write in with your own classic Nintendo love tracks. We may make a fan favourite list one day!