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What I Learned About Parenting From Skyrim


I am not a parent, as evidenced by the existence of this post. Nevertheless, I have undergone the most realistic and grueling parenting simulator know to man: Skyrim.

(Skyrim Wiki)

Here are just a few of the things I've taken away from this eye-opening experience.

You can adopt any child without any paperwork

Just like in real life, you can adopt any child you’d like. I chose to adopt Lucia. I sympathize with those who have less than me. So I decided to create my own Little Orphan Annie, only with worse clothes and less worse hair.

(Skyrim Wiki)

I also accidentally got a second child. Just like real life. I don’t know what their name is or where they are. Again, just like real life.

You can leave your children unattended for days at a time

Look, kids may be dumb, but they are also resourceful. Despite that, they seem to be perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. I'd love to be Mr. Dad, but I have to go to work.

Work. (Reddit)

Make sure there’s plenty of cheese and cabbage on hand. But really, you have no reason to worry about them.

It’s perfectly okay to encourage dangerous hobbies

Everybody needs hobbies. Adults do things like drink to excess, get into fistfights at the local bar, and overdose on Skooma.

Children need appropriate hobbies like dagger collecting. Not a day goes by that I don’t give Lucia a new dagger with some sort of enchantment to drain the life from her foes. She probably uses them on whoever else I accidentally adopted.

What do you think that practice dummy is made of? (revaraveck)

Your children require vast sums of money

Do you remember allowance day. You probably only got a few dollars a week or month. Not my Lucia. She deserves better than that. Which is why I give her a 1000 gold allowance.

Lucia's room. (Reddit)

I don’t know what she uses the money for. My current guess is that she’s heavily invested in the black market. She's either a fence for the Thieve's Guild or a pimp.

In conclusion

I heartily recommend Skyrim: A Wonderful Life to all current and prospective parents. It really lets you know how horrible you’ll be a raising children

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About walterwoodsone of us since 7:52 PM on 08.15.2014

Burgeoning writer. Professional movie-watcher and game-player. Amateur at most other things.