LONG BLOG
1 Million Kinects Buried In Recently Excavated New Mexico Landfill
In what is surely a sign of stability in the video game industry, Microsoft has buried one million unsold Kinects in a now empty landfill in New Mexico.
This is according to secret memo obtained from the company. In it, XBox head Phil Spencer blamed the failure of the peripheral on a variety of factors, including not enough sports and the cancellation of the Stockholm-Syndrome simulation game known as Project Milo.
"We were completely blindsided by this," Spencer is quoted saying in the memo "Americans have always had a love of useless shit. From carabiners that you hope by wearing people will think you're a mountain climber to those goggles you wear when eating grapefruit to the Samsung Galaxy Gear. Hell, do you remember the TwitterPeek. It was a device used only for sending and receiving Tweets. Who the hell needs that? Nobody; but did people buy it? Of course they f--king did! We thought we had the ultimate waste of space device ever: it was an exercise machine for a country full of fatties who can't even walk to the fridge without getting winded, it made watching sports with friends more annoying, it didn't recognize black people and it constantly spied on you. We couldn't have imagined a more useless device. Unfortunately we just couldn't compete in that respect with Google Glass."
The memo also detailed alternative plans for the failed peripheral, including rebranding it as iKinect and trying to sell them to Apple fans. Microsoft executives were shocked after a test of this plan revealed there are some things even Apple fans won't buy. Another plan rebranded the Kinect as a YouPorn camera. This was met with moderate success.
An anonymous source with the company spoke out after the memo was released, saying Microsoft had learned from the mistakes of other companies that tried to quickly and discreetly get rid of products that weren't selling; including THQ, who came under fire two years ago after they sent millions of uDraw tablets to starving and confused kids in Africa.
LOOK WHO CAME:
