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No place in games.


There once was a soldier who had a gruff voice, didn't believe in heroes and infiltrated facilities in cardboard boxes. After saving the world from nuclear annihilation twice and becoming a legend he soon holed himself up in a small cabin in Alaska. There he cared for a pack of dogs and led a relatively simple life without incident. 

He had gotten a memo one day, you see. Solid Snake had been informed that politics and social issues had no place in games. Government conspiracies, bipedal nuclear mechs, terrorists and sociopolitical conditions always seemed to frame his battles. His allies were always radioing him with their perspectives and cultural viewpoints, their knowledge of political landscapes, weapons or what animals tasted like. Even his enemies seemed to want to talk about their histories and the wars where they came from. Talk, talk, talk.

Snake wasn't interested in in other people's lives. He liked this memo he'd been sent, so he posted signs around his cabin to let all potential trespassers know he would be no one's pawn again. 

The signs read: "Politics and social issues have no place in games."

No soldiers arrived to haul him away to do another mission. He simply lived in peace with his dogs, never having to hear or worry about terrorists, nuclear weapons, clandestine conspiratorial AIs, nanomachines, cyborg ninjas, PMCs or misunderstood clone brothers. He spent much of his time by the fireplace carving wood sculptures, reading and sipping hot coccoa - that or fishing and hunting.

One day Snake decided to forward the memo to an old Italian friend via email, in hopes of spreading this new, peaceful life he was enjoying. 

Hearing a familiar notification chime and knowing checking his smartphone while driving wasn't the best of ideas, Mario pulled his kart to the side of the road to check his email. His eyes widened as he read it and then he smiled. Later, he called everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom together in Toad Harbor to tell them the message Snake had sent to him.

There was a collective gasp. The princesses looked at each other as the Toads and Koopalings talked amongst themselves excitedly. Donkey Kong ate a banana and scratched his head. Luigi was there, but no one noticed.

A few moments later, all three princesses and Bowser renounced their status as royalty, abolishing their respective monarchies. With no political structure, there would be no more kidnappings or attacks on what used to be kingdoms. Since gold coins and bananas were also a source of political power and persistent unrest Mario, Wario and Donkey Kong abolished both as forms of currency.

Additionally, all sports were also abolished since Mario looked on the internet and saw the large history where sports sometimes started wars, promoted segregation and used athletes in war propaganda. None of that in the former Mushroom Kingdom, no sir.

Mario then fowarded the email to everyone on his contact list. Those places that didn't take email he and Bowser sent flying Koopa Troopas to deliver the message. They were dispatched to Hyrule, Ylisse, then Spira, Ivalice, Dunwall, to the Carribean and countless other lands and worlds!

Other kingdoms and even empires were dismantled, even animal village mayors stepped down from their offices. The Covenant and Spartans gave up combat for cross-stitching and basket weaving. The Templars and Assassins took up painting and sculpting. Adam Jensen started installing bathroom mirrors across Detroit for a living instead of smashing them. 

When Commander Shepard got the email it cut through her like a knife. This changed everything. She paced around her room, looking first at her aquarium then over at her shower and sighed. She had dealt with the Reapers, becoming a Spectre, fighting the geth, defeating the Collectors, curing the genophage and here she was trying to unite the galaxy... was it all for nothing? What had she been fighting for?

She called Samantha Traynor to her room and let her know they'd no longer be playing chess together because chess was based on monarchies and class systems. The same would apply to the crew and card games - no more poker nights for Vega and Garrus. Cards were linked to politics, too. Emperors, kings and historical or religious figures had been featured and carried on through card games all over Earth for over a thousand years.

Shepard also told Samantha they were going to need to break up because two grown women loving each other was apparently a political statement. It was social commentary - even though the crew of the Normandy lived in a future where humanity was supposed to have gotten over such things. It had no place in the game or their lives.

Shortly after the breakup, she went down to the command center to make an announcement. 

"Listen up, everyone, " she said. "We're cancelling our mission. From here on out we're on our own and no longer involving ourselves in the political affairs of other worlds or even Earth's. We're broadcasting a message out across the galaxy to let everyone and the Reapers know that games are no place for political commentary or social discourse. With any luck, simply doing nothing else may end the war."

The Quarians and geth stopped fighting. The Reapers went into standby. The Council, Alliance and Cerberus were disbanded. There was no celebration, however, only silence and boredom. 

Back on another Earth in another time, Solid Snake looked out his window, sipped some hot coccoa and sighed as his dogs slept. Another snowy day just like the last, though he noticed some strange cubed figures with pickaxes at times. 

"Minecrafters..." he muttered to himself.

Then his eyes widened and he spit cocoa all over his window. 


Oh, but it was now. Every world was thier game now. With no politics, no social issues, no rules and no governing purpose a universal Creative Mode was activated. It opened portals from Minecraft to all worlds, allowing the Minecrafters free reign to mine all materials and recreate worlds as they pleased.

The Tetris worlds were the first to fall since they were already cubed. Candy Crush was next, then everything in Fereldin was turned into a recreation of The Legend of Zelda's overworld. 

The Mushroom Kingdom was stripped of all its sweet, sweet gold. With no gold or sports to live for, Wario and Waluigi threw themselves on a creeper.

The Minecrafters smashed all Jensen's mirrors, something he never asked for. They tore renaissance Italy to pieces, leaving no parkour opportunities for assassins and no canvases to paint on. They chased the little guy that rolled Katamaris as the King of the Cosmos watched them work with envy. 

What were they planning to build with it all? Who knows? All Vincent Brooks and his friends knew was  The Stray Sheep was hacked to pieces, so they'd need to find a new watering hole. In Japan, high school kids couldn't even escape the Minecrafter invasion within the Dark Hour or TV worlds. Since no social issues were allowed there were no dark realms for humanity's collective unconscious to create and escape into.

Back in Alaska, Snake heard a warp pipe emerge near his cabin, then a knock at the door. Snake reluctantly answered to see a familiar face

"Suit up, Snake." Roy Campbell told him. "We're going to war and we need you."

To be continued?

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About Whispering Willowone of us since 2:32 PM on 12.21.2012

Member of the Destructoid community team, moderator, hunter (or is that hoonter?), part-time Roegadyn and fae regent.

My favorite weapons are the claymore, the Mk. 22 tranquilizer pistol and the banhammer.

For other things and stuff about me you can read here, here and here. You will learn of my origins, my trials and tribulations and how I became a Level 80 superpixie!

Some of my favorite games:

Super Metroid
Metroid Prime
Metroid Zero Mission
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei IV
Digital Devil Saga
Devil Summoner 2
Devil Survivor
Persona 3 Portable
Persona 4 Golden
Final Fantasy VI
Final Fantasy VIII
Final Fantasy X/X-2
Final Fantasy XI
The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow
Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow
Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia
Shenmue II
Jet Set Radio
Jet Set Radio Future
Shadow of the Colossus
Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker
Deus Ex
Deus Ex: Human Revolution
Fallout: New Vegas
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Freedom Wars
Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate
Dissidia Duodecim
Soulcalibur II
Shovel Knight
The Binding of Isaac
Dead Cells
Ghost of Tsushima

...and more!