If you follow my blog at all, by now you likely know I have weird dreams largely comprised of gaming references and celebrity cameos. With E3 just around the corner, my dreams recently started to align with Nintendo, Microsoft or Sony themes, though that admittedly ebbed and flowed quite a bit.
I had a system set-up to divine which parts of these dreams were true, but rather than steal a page from someone else's book I'm just going to let my weird shit speak for itself and offer a mild interpretation.
So let's begin! Dream #1: Nintendo, Dystopian Zelda and Slippy Toad saves the galaxy.
I dreamt I was once again working at GameStop. No, we were not on the �Big Shell from MGS2 throwing parties for Bill Cosby. This time we were just at our store preparing for an E3 sale like it was Black Friday. All the displays and promotional materials were rainbow-themed, featuring ponies and unicorns for whatever reason.
After a while our local Nintendo rep turned up and she was followed in by Shigeru Miyamoto, Satoru Iwata and Hironobu Sakaguchi. They were pleased to make a number of announcements and show us some new Wii U and 3DS games so long as we closed the store for a short bit because the Zombie Luigis were looking for them.
So we close up and go to the break room. Iwata's first announcement is that they have bought Mistwalker and that Mistwalker's first project will be a collaboration with Omega Force called Galactic Federation Warriors. It would be an action-RPG-railshooting-exploratory-racing brawler featuring Samus Aran, Team Star Fox, Captain Falcon and Kirby as they team up to take down the combined forces of the Space Pirates, Mother Brain, Andross, King Dedede, Team Star Wolf and the Metroids.�
Sakaguchi seemed pretty proud of it, stating it was his finest creation and that Slippy Toad was the protagonist of the game's story.
New Metroid and Star Fox games were also shown, on Wii U and 3DS respectively. When asked about an F-Zero game, Miyamoto said "No one gives a fuck about F-Zero" - at least, that was the translation our Nintendo rep gave. Iwata chimed in with a "Please understand" and bowed before digging into a bowl of Lucky Charms.
After that, they showed us The Last Story 2, which was a tiger ballet simulator. Miyamoto also revealed a musical third person shooter tentatively called "K.K. Slider's Last Stand in Mexico" which co-starred Salma Hayek.
The Legend of Zelda reveal was stunning. It was a cyberpunk adventure that took place in a futuristic, dystopian Hyrule composed entirely of voxels and fingerpaint. Link has to uncover government conspiracy upon corporate conspiracy to find out why, as the destined hero, he cannot obtain the Master Sword and will seek out cybernetic upgrades and the Fierce Deity mask to pound the shit out of everyone instead. Then he'll drink himself stupid at the �Milk Bar after learning no one can be trusted - not even Zelda or fairies.
Just as I was going to ask about Shin Megami Tensei X Fire Emblem my boss slipped out for a smoke and the Zombie Luigis got in, pulled Sakaguchi outside and ate him him. Iwata kept eating his Lucky Charms. That's how it ended.
So that dream was pretty game-focused. �I would totally buy Galactic Federation Warriors if that were a thing, though. I've just been underwhelmed with the whole Hyrule Warriors thing, I guess. I'm more interested in Shin Megami Tensei X Fire Emblem and things happening with Metroid again. I know real Zelda game is coming anyway and I do want a departure in the vein of Majora's Mask, but I think the whole cyberpunk Zelda thing is a bit much considering the kids in Fire Emblem might already be flirting with wearable computing that summons demons.
Zombie Luigi... I just don't know what to think about that one. Dream #2 - A Microsoft dream. At least I think so.
It was a dark and stormy night in Gotham City and Batman was hot on the trail of a now-superpowered Catwoman and Maleficent. It was unknown how Catwoman had gained electric powers, but she could now had them and could clone herself to steal things from all over Gotham. There were more Catwomen than Blackgate and Arkham could possibly hold - and we all know how awesome security is in those places.
The Dark Knight had deduced Maleficent was responsible for all this. She and the Catwomen had overtaken Waynetech rival Lexcorp's skyscraper and were amassing all the PS4s and Wii Us they could, ensuing the rest of Gotham never got any of them and could only buy Xbox Ones. Maleficent seemed to shift from her cartoon version to her Angelina Jolie version. She and the Catwoman also used Lexcorp's funds to hire Halo's Spartans to defend the skyscraper.
Batman couldn't take this threat on alone, he needed cyborgs, so he asked Alfred to get in touch with Section 9 in Japan for help. Within days Motoko Kusanagi, Batou, Togusa and Saito arrived in Tachikomas (child-like chibi tanks that talk). Batman made them all swear not to use guns or at least use tranquilizer darts. Batou, Togusa and Saito weren't thrilled, but they agreed. Togusa actually cried because he couldn't use his Mateba.
By the time the siege on Lexcorp began, the Catwomen and Spartans had given up guns and whips to wear NBA, NFL, MLB, PGA and FIFA-branded gear and wielded sports equipment enchanted with green flame. They used HDTVs for shields.
It was a long battle, but eventually Batman found the real Catwoman and persuaded her to fight for good - or be pelted with the tennis balls the Tachikomas were collecting and firing. By this time, Motoko and Section 9 had hacked the Spartans and Lexcorp's defenses.�
Maleficent was surrounded as Batman, Section 9, the Spartans and all those Catwomen climbed to top Lexcorp's roof. She had nowhere to run, so she did the only thing she had left to do - she summoned two turntables, some records and became a dragon DJ. First up were mixes from Killer Instinct and Halo!
The Catwomen and Spartans returned the stolen Wii Us and PS4s. Batman, Catwoman and Section 9 �went on a Hawaiian cruise and Maleficent became the greatest DJ ever!
There wasn't really much in the way of an E3 prediction in this one but I'm guessing MS may try to get some exclusive DLC from the next Batman game. They may also reach out for more Japanese appeal with anime-themed games, try to get a port of Kingdom Hearts III, have lots of Halo stuff and try to convince us they've changed and aren't as evil and stupid as they were last year. They'll still talk up the sports and TV stuff, though. Dream #3 - Sony Vs. Giganta.
I was in New York City wherr I met Giganta, another villainess of DC comics fame but played by returning dream guest star Scarlett Johansson. She is Giganta now, but human-sized and not evil at the start of this.
Giganta and I became fast friends and she asked if I wanted to go to the U2 concert that night across town at Sony Stadium. I had never seen U2 live, so I agreed.
When we got there, however, tickets were sold out. Giganta was not pleased, I mean, there she was with her Achtung Baby T-shirt on and everything and crestfallen. This is Giganta we're talking about, though. She simply grew to a colossal size, set me on her shoulder and stepped inside the stadium, then sat down in the football field to get the best seat in the house. The concert began shortly after we sat down.
There were complaints from people behind us who said they could not see the stage. Since Giganta was again becoming annoyed and she was kinda hungry, she ate those that complained. Most of U2 seemed unphased by this and kept playing, though Larry Mullin Jr. was starting to look uncomfortable with the situation as Giganta had another few handfuls of their fans.
After playing a number of songs and "Elevation" the band took a break while Bono stayed on stage. Apparently he had something to say. He also sounded like Jim Sterling's version of Bono and said the following:
This is Bono Vox out of the U2.
I bought a Playstation Tree years ago 'n hopes o' playin' The Last Guardian. Tree E-Trees 'ave come'n'gone an' thar still is no Last Guardian.�
Children in Africa, in America, in Ireland an' Antarctica are all waiting for this game! Barack Obama an' Queen Elizabeth, too! There are even people that refuse t' marry until the game releases!
Please, Sony, give us a sign this game is fer real. The fate o' future generations depends on it!
Bono Vox out of the U2."
Then a man appeared from stage left. It was David Cage dressed as the Pope. He walked up to Bono, asked for the mic and it was handed over to him.
"My child, Bono Vox," he began, "Lord Sony and the Holy Goddess Ellen Page have chosen me, who has much emotion, to answer your question.
"The Last Guardian was delayed because it required more emotions and the power of Holy Goddess Ellen Page who makes all things PlayStation 4 and Remote Play possible. We also held the game back because we decided to celebrate Her wondrous emotions with a full year of games devoted to Her.
"Yes, my children, starting late 2014 and into 2015 - perhaps all eternity - it will be the Year of Ellen Page. Her Majesty will replace the griffon in The Last Guardian, Kat in Gravity Rush 2, Nathan Drake in Uncharted 4 and also everyone in The Last of Us: Remastered."
Bono fell to his knees in awe of this news but Giganta was furious, growing even larger and screaming "Why not me? I'm a goddess!" and went on a rampage. She stomped through New York, Chicago, Detroit, eventually Los Angeles and later waded across the Pacific until she arrived at Tokyo, Japan where she tore the roof off Sony Computer Entertainment Japan and bellowed "Where is she?
Then someone tapped on Giganta's shoulder. It was a gigantic Ellen Page in a baggy tuxedo, bathed in light. They battled across Tokyo, but I'm not sure who won. That's because I had grown my pixie wings and flew off in search of Pocky and Atlus' HQ.
So I think this particular dream is hoping for a reveal of The Last Guardian but I don't know what to make of it otherwise. Sony does seem to have a thing for Ellen Page, though. Or at least Quantic Dream and Naughty Dog do. Maybe they do have a cult where they worship her and are trying to pull Team Ico into it. Maybe they are replacing the griffon-dog thing with Ellen Page as we speak.
In closing, my dreams are weird and only two of them were directly related to E3. What I learned is going out for a smoke lets Zombie Luigi in, Maleficent can't beat Batman and Motoko Kusanagi and never complain about a giant Scarlett Johansson blocking your view of the band.
That and Ellen Page might have a cult.
LOOK WHO CAME: