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Give me Podtoid.

Podtoid is dead. It has been dead for several weeks. And its corpse has been flogged and quartered by some podcast called the Dismayed Jackals, hosted by a defector and two moles planted in Dtoid and trying to destroy us. Podtoid must come back to life.

Give it to me.

I want it.

I will leave a thousand corpses in every major American city until it is mine. If I run out of major American cities to terrorize, I will turn to Canada. Then Mexico. Then Germany. Then Japan.

If that is not enough, I will retrace my steps and leave 4,000 more burned corpses in every city I've already sacked. Still not convinced? Maybe I should try a softer approach:

Niero, Hamza, M Randy Dixcon, Dale, Jonathan, Conrad... Give me Podtoid and I will fix the gaming industry. It is in danger of becoming like Podtoid: another ravaged corpse in a wasteland. But I can change the course of history. I am Orwell.

I am Orwell.

Just imagine it. No more DLC. No more season passes. No more shoehorned multiplayer. All this is possible, through me. Only through me.

You have no other option. You can avoid the senseless and brutal deaths of millions by merely giving me the keys to Podtoid.

I also demand Benny Disco and Occam's Electric Toothbrush. Send them to me so that I can strap them to chairs and force microphones into their soft tracheae. Benny Disco, Occam's Electrical Razor, and the zombie who is Orwell (who is me). It shall be magnificent.

Give in to my demands within 48 hours or the world will burn.

Death or rejuvenation.

Choose wisely.

From the mountains of southeastern Mexico:
Your leader
Zombie Orwell
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About Zombie Orwellone of us since 3:07 PM on 03.30.2012

My fellow internet zombie brethren:

It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.

I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me ([email protected]) if you have questions or free tacos.

I love you!