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Console Reviews Are Fucking Shit

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"This system is only in the hands of the press. Video games, the things that define consoles, are just dipping their toes into the water and we have no idea how many are going to jump into which pool in the years to come. Putting a score on this shit is irresponsible at best, and at worst it reveals the gaming press's disregard for perspective and thoughtfulness in the pursuit of whatever it takes to appease and get clicks from a segment of the audience that they often hold in contempt."


There shouldn't be a lot to add to this, but there is.

Most of the major game sites have posted their "reviews" of the new slew of consoles; little more, typically, than a breakdown of basic hardware, specs, and features that have already been droned on an on for the weeks leading up to the release of said systems.

No shit, I know a guy who was able to sell a PS4 for 1500 dollars. He had two guys from Kijiji literally throwing more money at him until one of them ran out of bills to desperately toss his way.

The world is so fucking fucked if this is what we have degenerated into.

The people rushing out to buy these things is a retarded statement on our inability to exercise responsible practices. "Here is this piece of plastic, and possibly wood, that does almost nothing right now. It plays a handful of games that will be easily found in numerous variety in pawn shops across America. It's potential has not even been brushed upon because a bunch of developers were paid a tremendous amount of money to pump out whatever the fuck they could for it so the rubes will have something to buy. So please buy it; you can download PSN games or watch Grey's Anatomy on it. Isn't that enough?"

The masses say yes. But I don't personally accept their estimate of "value" since they are the same bunch of morons whose time is so valueless that they are willing to wait in line for hours to get a deal on trade ins at Best Buy. 

Reviewing a console, apart from being irresponsible, is entirely POINTLESS because they only ones who are actually patient enough to "wait for reviews" are going to be the same folks who actually wait to see what kind of actually content is released over time. Right now, you have your pick of approximately nothing of value over and above what the older generation is offering. The "flagship" titles are a rickety sailboat with holes and the chopped carcass of a hooker shoved in a beer cooler sitting inconspicuously in the corner of it. Day one buyers will smile nervously and try to convince themselves that Ryse will not soon be riding the dusty shelf of the forgotten before it has even had a chance to imprint itself on the memory of anyone, and Knack will be unfortunately remembered as "that shit game that was kind of like the Lego games, if Lego was as charming as a garbage bag full of dildos and anchovies." But none of this matters, because regardless of reviews, launch hype, etc, the only people buying will disregard all of this and go ahead and do it anyways. 

Why? Excitement. Community. Fellowship.

Standing in line at midnight to wait for the new Disappointing War Shooter is the church of the new; the dogma of the technologically apt. This is the new basis for community; who you will be shooting in the face online for a few hours during launch night.

I don't want to sound cynical about this part. This is perhaps the ONE redeeming factor of the lock step lemming culture that his become inexorably associated with gaming; a hobby known to outsiders as a breeding ground for addiction, introversion, and the socially ostracized. A hard to break, bad habit that is justified by the feel-goods within it as "harmless", when indeed, like anything, it has the capability to be incredibly harmful in the hands of the irresponsible, even if said harm is laser focused only on the wallet; the financial burden of the people buying into it.

Community is the one good thing that comes as a result of the industry, which is as manufactured and synthetic as it was in its infancy, when the addictive quality of Pong was siphoning quarters from the pockets of drunks around America. Only now, it is more insidious, harder to escape; and the compulsion loop of addiction it relies on to stay relevant mixed with nostalgic marketing in order to capture the hearts of the fools that subscribe to its "values" is far more toxic than it ever has been. And review culture is at least partially to blame.

"Someone else has justified my decision to purchase this item with an arbitrary number, in large, colored font on their front page. I have been given permission to purchase."

Console reviews are pointless shit. A breakdown is all that is necessary. If a full review comes at all, it should at least wait until the third year of production, when it is really fair to make a judgement, based on the available software and the continuing TREND of practices that the developer has implemented over a long period of time.

Console reviews are based on promises, and potential.

They don't give kids spelling bee trophies for one day being able to spell the word Logorrhea.
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About Joel Petersonone of us since 8:14 AM on 11.07.2013

I write the things other people don't write, with liberal fart jokes thrown in for good measure. I like old games, old computers, old consoles, and old pizza.

Here are some blogs what I done did and were promoted to the front page.

Location: The Cold And The Beautiful

The Great Quest of Stupid

Fathers Day

I Have No VR And I Must Scream