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An Apology to Castlevania: The Adventure


Christopher Belmont's slow movements are built to reflect those of a dying vampire hunter, a man crippled with age but still filled with a sense of duty. Sure, he may look young and strong on the cover, and sure, his next game takes place 25 years later so he couldn't be that old, but none of that matters. All that matters is that we go along on a journey with this aging vampire hunter, that we feel his pain with every arthritis-crippled step, that we share in his sorrow as he gasps and wheezes while dropping down from a rope when you told him to jump. This isn't a great hero's journey, but the last (well, second to last) days of a tired old hunter who's been called to duty once more. Therefore, the slow, clunky movements that seem to make the game into unplayable garbage only enhance a narrative that the developers were trying to develop. Once you dismiss those troubling facts that disprove my theory, you can see the beautiful, moving game about an aging hunter that the developers were trying to create.�

This is vastly more important than some stupid story about some creepy vampire family squabble taking place in a historically inaccurate castle. This is true pathos, the kind that will make you shed tears in a manly way. Despite the fact that every aspect of Castlevania: The Adventure points to it being an obviously terrible game, one of the worst in Castlevania history, it is not. It's a touching game about an old man making his way through an abandoned castle to kill some guy in a cloak who turns into a bat. It's the kind of tale I'd be proud to tell my children if they asked me where babies came from or some crap like that. It's not the complete tripe that is Mirror of Fate, and I sincerely apologize to anyone and everyone who worked on Castlevania: The Adventure for daring to imply that your work was of the same caliber as Mirror of Fate.
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About JoelCoutureone of us since 11:26 PM on 05.27.2013

Contributing Editor for mashthosebuttons.com, destitute but determined fantasy novelist & short story writer at joelcouture.com. I wish I was paid for either of those jobs.

I love horror games. If you scare me, I will give you money. I also love terrible games, as it's a lot harder to make a game that's so bad it's hilarious than it is to make something that is just bad.

For some reason I'm not super clear on, I am obsessed with J. Jonah Jameson.