falsenipple blog header photo
falsenipple's c-blog
Posts 0Blogs 13Following 0Followers 20



10 Things About Me That You Really Don't Need To Know


I haven't blogged here in a very long time. This is the part where I am supposed to say that I missed it and the rest of the community. Let's assume that I did, and it didn't just come off like a twelve year old gear giving an insincere apology to her parents for smoking pot and getting caught skipping school, even though that's what came immediately came to my mind because I wouldn't trust myself to comb my own hair.


About six to eight months ago, I received more than a handful of PM's and E-Mails in regard to my absence in the community. I didn't respond to them. I was feeling pretty uncomfortable at the time, and, to be frank, it wasn't their fault and I probably should have responded in kind, but that's not me. I'm callous, cold, and I don't remember when your birthday is, or even most of your first names. Sorry.

So as a self-professed jerk there really seems to be no reason for me to write something like this outside of glomming up some undeserved attention while pretending like I never wanted it anyway, and I know that is awfully unbecoming of me, and again I'm sorry.

Truthfully, what provoked this blog's topic was listening to some fellow DTOID members talk about it rather earnestly during a game of Battlefield 3 while I was deeply vested in obtaining out squad intel and trying to win the game. They on the other hand were talking about this community and the blogs, which is not as uncommon of a thing as some of you might imagine. Destructoid runs deep.

Their commitment to the community, the zest with which they felt about this idea, along with some goading given months ago, and some more in the previous month or so has brought me back like an ungrateful child to tell you a bunch of rather personal and somewhat awkward things about myself. They might not be what you'd expect, and that probably says a lot about me.

Hopefully a little bit of schadenfreude will make us close enough to use our collective sperm and ova to impregnate a chimpanzee... wait... What the fuck am I talking about?

Go ahead and read list below.

Listen to some music.
(Each list item has a song that is marginally related to it).

Tell your mom that you love her.

1. I am an easily provoked and vulgar person.

Those of you that have actually gamed with me on XBOX Live are probably already more than aware of this one. You�ve also likely have heard me so flustered that I couldn�t get out a coherent insult or comment to save my life. It�s sad, but I am probably one of those people that has been recorded in party chats and then reposted on YouTube later to be laughed at.

Yeah, I know. That�s a bad thing, and I have honestly worked on holding back some of the bile, but the beast gets loose every once and awhile. It�s an embarrassment to myself and many of my friends and family.

2. I genuinely wish that we could all be honest and happy, but never seem to manage either of those things for very long.

I�m a fairly secretive, introverted, and intense person. When I do express myself it is usually a bit stronger than necessary and often so extraordinarily uncomfortable for me that I would just as assume never saying anything at all and saving myself the discomfort. So this often leaves me either too terse or genial yet disingenuous. It�s been said many times that the basis of society at large is living under the pretext of many small, benign lies, but frequently that doesn�t seem to be good enough for me, and I don�t know if I am limiting my own happiness by thinking that way because I already know that it can�t be mature or particularly bright on my part. I took a long pause after typing that last sentence and couldn�t figure out whether I wanted to say �C�est la vie� or �Fuck it.�

3. The last time I was even remotely close to getting laid was in a graveyard.

The less I say about this one would probably be for the better because I am actually a bit ashamed of myself, but since most people aren�t actively aware of this event and certainly are going to be made just as uncomfortable by it as me I might as well tell them. She was about five foot one and was failing at being Goth and Asian while being both of those. I don�t think I was honestly attracted to her and what keep me around was purely hormonal. She had pretty much be throwing herself at me for the last month, and virtue be damned. It is hard to keep control of a penis.

It was raining on a spring afternoon, and I had gone for a walk with her. On the walk she saw a cemetery (obviously) and wanted to check it out. Being the instigator that she was, I had been convinced to give her the business in a public place. I received nothing in return. A week or so after that, I came to a personal resolution that I really didn�t need my dick getting the best of me and I have been unhappily single since. Did I mention that I am petty?

4. I wish my voice was two octaves lower.

I am incredibly self-conscious about my voice and to a lesser extent my physical appearance. Some things can be changed about yourself, while most of them you�re born into and have little to no choice about. When I was young my parents had me sing in a choir. Yeah, that�s right. I said a fucking choir, and I was good at it for whatever that was worth. My mother is/was a trained singer and she kind of foisted that upon my brother and me. It stuck with me while my brother was smart enough to get out. I wasn�t.

As I grew my voice really didn�t get much manlier, and it has currently topped out at something that is still mildly pubescent sounding. I�m not happy about it at all. My favorite singers are all baritones and that�s probably more so out of jealousy than anything else. There are times where I hear my own voice and feel utterly emasculated. Most people don�t seem to pick at me about it, and I know very well that the problem isn�t on their end. It�s on mine.

5. In high school I skipped a week of school to finish Star Ocean 2 before one of my friends could, just so I could tell him all of the spoilers when I got back.

One of my current gaming buddies and good friends since high school bought Star Ocean 2 on release day. We were both very much into JRPG�s at the time, along with any other RPG outside of tabletop games. For a week he seemed to be having a great time playing the game. He told me all sorts of things. Such as the game was better, longer, and more complex than Final Fantasy VII, and that game coincidentally was our current gold standard for console RPG�s at the time. I was intrigued, more than a little envious, and totally, bat-shit spiteful.

Long story made short, this is one of the few things he has yet to forgive me for doing, and since then he has taken an extremely bizarre stance on spoilers so much so that he will read them in advance simply so he knows it before someone else has the chance to tell him.

6. I am an asshole.

The previous list item should cover a little of this, but there is so much more to it. It�s not usually intentional on my part. I�m just a mean-spirited person. I have been that way for as long as I could remember. My parents told me stories from when I was a toddler about frequent fights that I had with other kids, often having to be pulled away before I hurt them. Whether it�s in my nature to be confrontational or it�s just something that ends up happening, there have been a lot of situations in my life where I have stirred up much more trouble than I intended.

For the most part, I really wish that I wasn�t like this, but sometimes a spade is a spade and it just can�t be anything else. So please forgive me if I sometimes, or even all the time, rub you the wrong way. It�s not something I am entirely control of, and, no, it�s not Asperger�s. I am just an asshole, which is disheartening because it means I really don�t have an excuse.

7. Generally speaking, I am not very good at video games. I am just persistent.

I have gotten the platinum trophy for Demon�s Souls and have gotten all of the achievements for Dark Souls. I�ve beaten some supposedly difficult games and usually not felt like that I�ve bested them. When games were Nintendo hard, I was marathon running through Blaster Master, Bayou Billy, and Battletoads, and by marathon I mean it took me a long time of consistently plugging away at the game while making marginal progress and rejecting failure as a possible outcome.

Sure, it took me longer to beat the game than most people, but I did learn patience and that if you beat your head against a wall long enough either you knock yourself unconscious or cause some serious property damage. I became a fan of property damage and coincidentally Jackie Chan films.

8. Last month I was called for jury duty. The rest of the jurors and the judge gave me some pretty dirty looks when the judge asked me where I got my news and I told him plainly that I didn�t.

What can I say about this one? Social awareness is not one of my strong suits, and to be honest the news is depressing. Everything that most of the world urgently wants me to know is seems to either be horrible, manipulative, or a sickening combination of the two. Of course, in better motivated and more altruistic people this type of information inspires them to change the world and go on to do great things. For me it�s just one more thing to be unhappy about while pretty much feeling helpless as this whole, mad world churns insanely around me.

Don�t ask me what the fuck I am going to do. I am scared and as a result dangerously depressed.

9. I have faked an injury to get front of line access to rollercoasters at Six Flags.

A few years ago, freshly off the heels of graduating college, and very much entrenched in the throes of young adulthood�s version of immaturity, I decided drunkenly the day that my friends and I were going to Six Flags Great America that not only did I not feel like waiting in line for the rides that I also could pull off a con to get wheel chair access. A buddy had some crutches in his garage. One thing led to another and I got my wish.

It would have be a completely remorseless offense if I hadn�t felt the urge to follow through on my role by using the handicapped stalls. The one and only attempt I made at pissing led to a small child leaving the stall, forlornly staring at the damp, grey, bathroom floor and whispering an apology to me for using the toilet for hurt folks. It gave me sad boots because I knew better then and I know better now. That isn�t to say I wouldn�t do it again if I was given the chance. I know I would. I�m a weak man.

10. I frequent forums, blogs, and gaming sites more to alleviate loneliness and boredom than to actually discuss video games.

This is the sad truth. I honestly don�t give a shit about the plot of most video games, nor do I have any connection to the characters. I care even less about most people�s opinions on those things, and usually stick around out of voyeuristic curiosity. Don�t take that as me saying that you are a car crash or window dressing for me, but then again� Ok. Let�s not think about this one too hard. It might make things awkward.

P.S. I have screenshots of everything.
Login to vote this up!


kidplus   1
VenusInFurs   1
Jaded   1
Caitlin Cooke   1
JJJEnigma   1
Ben Davis   1
Rob Morrow   1
COM 01   1
WolfyBoey   1
knutaf   1
Morcant   1
Fame Designer   1
Handy   1
Beyamor   1
M Randy   1
Morty   1
Nic128   1
ZombiePlatypus   1



Please login (or) make a quick account (free)
to view and post comments.

 Login with Twitter

 Login with Dtoid

Three day old threads are only visible to verified humans - this helps our small community management team stay on top of spam

Sorry for the extra step!


About falsenippleone of us since 7:51 PM on 04.15.2010

I can't think of a good reason why I blog here, and honestly I think its only because I lack the self-control not to. In the past I have wasted way too much time socializing online simply because I liked the anonymity and all the stupid trolling that entailed.

Of course, this is a different place, you're all respectable people, and I am an adult who has grown into his three inch penis and the inferiority complex that accompanies it.

Hi, my name is J/Jordan/falsenipple, but you can call me whatever you like, or summarily ignore me if that better suits your fancy. I'm nearing on being old enough to be dead, from Chicago, and have been gaming since I was 6, which was awhile ago.

I have yet to mature since then, nor have I become skilled enough to beat Megaman 2, although it hasn't stopped me from soundly losing until I have won every other game.

None of the previously mentioned things actually mean much to me though. Frankly, as any good troll is, I am more interested in other people, which is why I don't talk about myself too often. I've got a mouthful of feet and a throat full of Achilles' heels. So making this introduction is more than awkward for me.

Most of the time I just stalk people around until they assume that I'm their friend, or a friend of their friend, who unassumingly has been shadowing the lot of them and pocketing scraps of their hair to make dolls out of.

Forget that you read that last bit. Also forget that I've ended multiple sentences with propositions. The devil made me do it.

I guess I should keep at whatever it is I am doing here.



1. Are you a gamer?

No, but I've passed the Turing Test, so I can't rightfully be called a game anymore.

2. What?

Just go with it.

3. Seriously?


4. Are you going to continue asking yourself questions in the third person?

I didn't ask for schizophrenia, but I'll sure as shit not be sassed by my own psychosis. NEXT QUESTION PLEASE~!

5. What games are you currently playing or would like to play in the future?

Battlefield 3, Dark Souls, Magic: The Gathering, Bioshock Infinite, and a bunch of other garbage. It's a lot easier just to stalk people online through their gamertag and psn tag than actually answer something like this.

You could look at mine (GT:OMGhotdogs, PSN:jsapper), but I don't exactly like most people enough to to game with them, let alone accept friend requests. I'm kind of a misanthrope, and spend most of my time mumbling to myself and hiding in dark places within online shooters hoping to ambush someone and steal their wallet and possibly ask them how punctuation works. You know, so I can type up readable things instead of things like this.

6. Are you alright?


7. Stop staring at me.

That's not a question.

8. You're not making this any easier.

Funnel Cake?