Resolutions: Throwing dirt clods, and pulling grass.

soot and beez so gudamdum

as a perfis dis iznt xkly a revu. abest iz kolekshunothughts nd stureez ined 2 shair. atwurst iza kolekshun omathughts nd sturiez. makut wut u mst.

dis wekind, idowv in2 tuwurlds unce mur. ertu, datiz. aftr plagheng fur an hur frst purchesing tagame, i dopt itwel, ehcintrecl, bt sumthin berneng witut amor kunvenshunul kunsepshun uv kwoletie, surtenlie. ghow wuz maxperfences, u meight find urself wundering? allowme elucidate. Upon first re-enturing tagam, da frollowbring efrents immedatly transurpd.

-I reseeved a mashion to kull ostrachues.
-I wuz shaved down by the baboons throwing bones.
-I was shaved down by the killed bomberprince
=Aye killed 1 o'those dung ostrachez, yup dawgs

it wuz a gud nat o'a'fu counting. I was had splenda in my knut and ocaams na prayed them halo darth maul gud bunch of farts (utters on a cow Corkov Eshional l33t 5|<1||5 [dick jokescunts]). Naturally I was my usual stutter-and-mutter self, but still, a pleasure. *fapfapfpapfapf their wuz alot of sticky white stuff. Uh. I can only hope to convince you that there waz 1unce a context to that.

It wuz a gud night an a few accounts. Anyway quite quickly, my herotic reprosession nabbled me a nag, a horse met with such warm reception one might suppose it had a dink. One tanog gravity later and I was bottom on the cliff face, fighting off rhino and haresting my short companion horse meat. I see it as a short of tarantula-like setuashun wur, in urdr 2 surveev, I hrad tru sucrafus em sted, unly 2 harsh arctice enviromits iz ma blithe lack of care fur sudden crops.

it tunrned out to be a long walk to the next mishun. a mushun which as an absolute requisite, called on me to race with my trusted yak. Yes, zee fery seme-a. Necrumuncy beeeng a skeell fer beyund zee reech ooff a mun vhu fuoond heemselff beggeeng a stune-a-throoeeng Skeettles-essed lemoor fur mercy, thees ves zee ind ooff thet perteecooler qooest prugresseeun. Yuoo'll be-a releeefed tu heer geugrephy held trooe-a – it ves un iqooelly lung velk beck.

Haven't seen 'em yet, but still so's hyped fo' rapto's. Switchin' gears, de game be riddled wid some absolutely bizarre choices. Not bad-ass, 'esactly - sump'n much mo'e else. What it is, Mama! Let's say ah' tax'ed ya' designin' some dialogue menu. Man! Your only requirement is, oh, baby, in some way, fer shure, to provide thuh user with a means of selectin' a conversational branch. I know not all of you may have a mind to UI or design in general. That's okay. Like, there's no pressure.

akeTay allway ethay imetay youay eednay otay utpay omethingsay ogethertay. Iway'llay aitway. Alrightway, youay'evay otgay itway? owNay, ethay ambitiousway amongway youay ightmay avehay icturedpay omethingsay ikelay assMay Effectway'say eelwhay. Away oremay ommoncay oicechay ouldcay ebay away aditionaltray istlay ofway itemsway youay ightmay ollscray oughthray otay electsay youray ithypay amblingray, obablypray avigatingnay upway andway ownday ithway youray analogway ickstay andway onfirmingcay ithway Away orway Xay. Elloo me-a a peregreph tu peeent zee peectoore-a ooff Tvu Vurlds' eppruech. See-a, zeey du thees, boot oonly elmust. Zeere-a is un errey ooff oopshuns, certeeenly. Hooefer, iech is mepped tu oone-a ooff A, X, oor Y. Mure-a thun three-a chueeces? Reeleety Poomp hes yuoo cufered. Yuoo cun scrull thruoogh veet a seemple-a press ooff zee B boottun! Nefer meend zee teeme-a-hunuoored tredeeshun ooff inpoot chunnels vheech ectooelly hefe-a a ferteecel cumpunent - ie-a. zee surt ooff theeng vheech meeght ectooelly let yuoo nefeegete-a up und doon. Bork Bork Bork! Allow me some paragraph t'paint da damn picture uh Two Wo'lds' approach. See, dey do dis, but only almost. Dere be an array uh opshuns, certainly. Slap mah fro! However, each be mapped t'one uh A, X, o' Y. Mo'e dan dree choices? Reality Pump gots'ta ya' covered. You's kin scroll drough wid some simple press uh de B button. Right On! Neva' mind da damn time-honoured tradishun uh input channels which actually gots' some vertical component - ie. What it is, Mama! de radical wahtahmellun which might actually let ya' navigate down and waaay down. Allow me a paragraph to paint thuh picture of Two Worlds' approach. See, oh, baby, they do this, mostly, but only almost. Like, there is like wow! an array of options, like, wow, certainly. However, oh, baby, each is mapped to one of A, oh, baby, X, man, or Y. More than three choices? Reality Pump has you covered. You can scroll through with a simple press of thuh B button! Oh, wow! Never mind thuh time-honoured tradition of input channels which actually have a vertical component - ie. thuh sort of thin' which might actually let you navigate up and down. Allowway emay away aragraphpay otay aintpay ethay icturepay ofway oTway orldsWay' approachway. eeSay, eythay oday isthay, utbay onlyway almostway. ereThay isway anway arrayway ofway optionsway, ertainlycay. oweverHay, eachway isway appedmay otay oneway ofway Away, Xay, orway Yay. oreMay anthay eethray oiceschay? ealityRay umpPay ashay youay overedcay. Youay ancay ollscray oughthray ithway away implesay esspray ofway ethay Bay uttonbay! everNay indmay ethay imetay-onouredhay aditiontray ofway inputway annelschay ichwhay actuallyway avehay away erticalvay omponentcay - ieway. ethay ortsay ofway ingthay ichwhay ightmay actuallyway etlay youay avigatenay upway andway ownday. I͖̺͈̰͖̬̜͂̓ͮ̿͡'̓̓̚ì̘̏̾lÒ̒Ḭ̷̠͖̖̀͞l̐͌̅͋̄̈́ì͚̹̝̭̼͜ ͈͚̟̗͇ͤͦͩͥ̈͆͆ͨ̿a͔ͦ͒̎ͩͦ͒̌́̚͘d͚̩̳͓̈́̌̀͜m͐̌̐̅҉͏͔̬i̷͇͙̩̍̅ͤ͑̽̚̚͡ͅͅͅṱ̫̗̪̞̮̍ͬ̐͆͋͜͢,̎͐̅Ì̘͖̫̯̥̭̯̻ͧ͘͜͝ͅ ̌ìͪ͑Ì͍̭͇̕i̷̴̛̮͈̰̯̻͆̍ͮt̶̨̙̠ͮ̋ͮ̌͛ͪͨ͒͜'ͬ͆ͣ̚Ò̿ì̧̘̗̮͒̀̕ͅͅs̨̛͇̰ͮ̍ͭͭ͠ͅò̥͇̰ ̂̅ͯÌ̳̖̠̙̦̫̟͢a̖͖͓̗̗̘̟̍ͫ͗͆̈́̆͞ ̨̘̬̳̺̗̙͈̗͖̿̄̿n̛̗̞̰̱͖̑ͦ͐ͭ̓̆͊͆͢o̧͔̙͍͖̘ͨͮͨ͘͜vͬͨ̓ͪ̓͑̈Ì̞͍̜͇̹̩͔e͕͍͔ͥ̊ļ̷͉̯̱ͦ̚ ̖̰͖̰̻̥͇̏̕āͯͩͭÒ̪̳̟̙̩̫͑̓͟͞ͅp̈ͧ̒̿ͯ҉̝̩̞̘̬̲͍̫̺p̼ͮͣͭͣrͨ̒҉̸͍̟̦̹̖̬̝̬͜o̳͓͉͎̦͉̬̿͟͠ā̛̓̑̏͏̯c͆̓͒̑ͨ̏͐̇҉̡̤h̊ͫͪͧÒ͏̙͇̟̠̻̀.Þ̡̝̜̻̅̽̎

Yo da balance o' da missions iz really just screwy. ah don' know if it's cuz you expected ta pursue mo' o' da side missions, but muh motha fuckin progress through da main story has been dogged by some o' da most unruly collections o' overpowered enemies. nigga dat'll tear through me in uh hit or two by themselves teaming up wif uh few o' they pals fo' uh pimp-tight ol' fashioned sodomy hoedown. da whole o' muh motha fuckin strategy iz, as da Sun Tzu o' da new millennium, getting in uh quick hit, then trying ta not bust uh knee on uh Slip 'n Slide made moist by muh motha fuckin own fear urine as ah run like uh turkey. an' since healf regenerates like it's free morphine day down at da hospital (one o' da perks o' Canada's healf care system) if an' only if da hero's weapons is sheathed, it's like da game iz encouraging decisive acts o' cowardice. dere is deez weird pockets o' minions dat git cut up like uh hot shank through uh cliché, but fo' reals. da boss ah just ran into takes me down in, quite literally, half uh second. dat iz, 'bfoe ah can even finish an attack, ah'm met wif da you-died-you-suck-please-reload screen. Eugh Ya' know what I'm sayin'?

It direbutterfly. Their antics on the pastures and partisanship.

But really, not even a bad game. Well, not true. But not without nautimine.Asju paika.Püüniste I never said about his predecessor and special moves to fight more interesting than that - and could be called generous - oblivion peer. Dropping prey for adding and mixing and matching systems, the weather is so strong and big boats. Coping appears to be a lucid dream, because the enemies you pit before the game we talked about the insane sadism slowly but surely become more manageable. There is nothing half so pleasant to return to destroy the baddies are never sent screaming at night, as gluten allergyer in the oven

Alurgee? 1 possessing allergy? i have no idea.

Like I said, I'm not goign anywhere in particular and with. Take as a point if you need it, that 2 wurlds 2 is a pretty and ok game respite being, a deep well, in a lot of regards. Heckle and generalizations confirm that this something, abut the merits of the second level games if you are feeling high. If you are in ENglish and into thesius and the in hearing paramount of man imperfestation and lust, and dragons, and suffice and it to on my end. this was a game and it played and mod dammed is it stupid. because because stupid i am cumming to compare it ot get punched below the balls for many minutes at a time, because to look at it superficially, a terible semblance of experiences, but to millyvanilli, a suicide note because of lies and fetishism.

Long live the queen of Prughsha. Yes that i think must be the note i close.

Thend.

ORIGONAL___
Shoot the Breeze: So Goddamn Dumb

Beyamor | 1 hour ago - 11:12 PM on 06.19.2011
1 comments







[As a preface, this isn't exactly a review. At best, it's a collection of thoughts and stories I needed to share. At worst, it's a collection of my thoughts and stories. Make of it what you must.]

This weekend, I dove into Two Worlds once more. Er, 2, that is. After playing for about an hour upon first purchasing the game, I dropped it for, well, I can't recall, but something bringing with it a more conventional conception of quality, certainly. How was my experience, you might find yourself wondering? Allow me elucidate. Upon first re-entering the game, the following events immediately transpired:

• I received a mission to kill ostriches.
• I was chased down and killed by baboons throwing stones.
• I was chased down and killed by wolfmen.
• I killed one of those dang ostriches. Yeah dawg.

It was a good night on a few accounts. I had a splendid chat with Knut and Occams and played them Haloes with a good bunch of people (utterly humilating Corduroy Turtle with my l33t 'lite skills [<3 CT]). Naturally, I was my usual stutter-and-mutter self, but still, a pleasure. There was a lot of sticky white stuff. Uh. I can only hope to convince you that there was once a context for that.

Anyway, quite quickly, my heroical progression nabbed me a nag, a horse met with such warm reception one might suppose it had a horn. One tango with gravity later and I was at the bottom of a cliff face, fighting off a rhino and harvesting my short-lived companion for meat. I see it as a sort of tauntaun-esque situation where, in order to survive, I have to sacrifice my steed, only in this case, the harsh arctic environment is my blithe lack of care for sudden drops.

It turned out to be a long walk to the next mission. A mission which, as an absolute requisite, called on me to race with my trusty steed. Yes, the very same. Necromancy being a skill far beyond the reach of a man who found himself begging a stone-throwing Skittles-assed lemur for mercy, this was the end of that particular quest progression. You'll be relieved to hear geography held true – it was an equally long walk back.


Haven't seen 'em yet, but still so hyped for raptors.

Switching gears, the game is riddled with some absolutely bizarre choices. Not bad, exactly - something much more else. Let's say I tasked you designing a dialogue menu. Your only requirement is, in some way, to provide the user with a means of selecting a conversational branch. I know not all of you may have a mind to UI or design in general. That's okay. There's no pressure. Take all the time you need to put something together. I'll wait. Alright, you've got it? Now, the ambitious among you might have pictured something like Mass Effect's wheel. A more common choice could be a traditional list of items you might scroll through to select your pithy rambling, probably navigating up and down with your analog stick and confirming with A or X.

Allow me a paragraph to paint the picture of Two Worlds' approach. See, they do this, but only almost. There is an array of options, certainly. However, each is mapped to one of A, X, or Y. More than three choices? Reality Pump has you covered. You can scroll through with a simple press of the B button! Never mind the time-honoured tradition of input channels which actually have a vertical component - ie. the sort of thing which might actually let you navigate up and down. I'll admit, it's a novel approach. No means it is a point of controller-throwing aggravation, but it's one of the many, many things that gave me pause to wonder wut.

The balance of the missions is really just screwy. I don't know if it's because you're expected to pursue more of the side missions, but my progress through the main story has been dogged by some of the most unruly collections of overpowered enemies. Guy that'll tear through me in a hit or two by themselves teaming up with a few of their pals for a good ol' fashioned sodomy hoedown. The whole of my strategy is, as the Sun Tzu of the new millennium, getting in a quick hit, then trying to not bust a knee on a Slip 'n Slide made moist by my own fear urine as I run like a turkey. And since health regenerates like it's free morphine day down at the hospital (one of the perks of Canada's health care system) if and only if the hero's weapons are sheathed, it's like the game is encouraging decisive acts of cowardice. There are these weird pockets of minions that get cut up like a hot knife through a cliché, but for reals. The boss I just ran into takes me down in, quite literally, half a second. That is, before I can even finish an attack, I'm met with the you-died-you-suck-please-reload screen. Eugh.


This is a direbutterfly. They frolic in meadows and feast on souls.

But really, it's not even a bad game. Well, no, that's not true. But it's not without enjoyment. The things I once mentioned about its predecessor hold true. The traps and special moves make the combat more interesting than it's - and this might be a generous noun - peer Oblivion. Scrapping loot for upgrades and mixing and matching to make spells are both solid crafting systems, by and large. Levelling up feels like a lucid dream since the enemies which you've been pit against in that fit of insane sadism we talked about above slowly but surely become manageable. There's nothing half so rewarding as coming back to utterly demolish the baddies which once sent you screaming into the night like a gluten allergyer in a bakery.

Allergyer? One possessing allergies? I have no idea.

Like I said, I'm not going anywhere in particular with this. Take, as a point, if you need it, that Two Worlds 2 is a pretty okay game despite being, well, awful in a lot of regards. Heck, generalize that into something about the merits of B-level games if you're feeling highminded. If you're an English student, spin it into a thesis about the inherent parallels of man's imperfection and lust for dragons. Suffice it to say on my end, this was a game I played. And goddamn, is it dumb. Beautifully, beautifully dumb. I've come to compare it to getting punched below the belt for hours on end. Objectively, a terrible experience, but the mileage you get out of it really depends on your fetish.

Yes, that I think must be the note I close on.

But it isn't.
If I were to have any resolutions that centered on playing video games, I would have to say that I will refuse, resolutly of course, to spend less on video games and strongly consider spending more on my education and less on booze as well. It is important to note that writing is a passion of mine I won't let go, nor will I compromise and write about video games how I see others write, not even for the sake of having an audience. Fuck yall, I'm a baller. I bounce that shit and court it like a horse with a chussle. That's right, straight player bitch. I'm a player, this is my game. When you hand me a video game, I hand you a jar, what's in it is up to you.