Contestoid: Gears of War 3: I'm waaay too fucking generous.

Look, at this point, it's spectacle. Unless you're one of the bastards on the leaderboards below, you're not going to win. But hey: You could still take first place for the final contest and totally fuck things up for the guy aiming for second, so that's something to aim for!

Also... There's going to be a lot less comments during the daytime comments and comments in general. While I, in my infinite intelligence, only surfed the internet using proxy-condoms and also did so rarely, and didn't let it effect my work, the same cannot be said of my co-workers. Thus, anything related to fun (like, ANYTHING) is now banned from my work connection.

In theory, I could tether my phone to my computer's net connection, but the network admin, aside from looking good in a tight t-shirt, also ferreted out most of the sneaky shit I could pull. The first thing she looked for on the network block was people looking for cache'd google pages, which tells me she's smarter than a table.

I totally plan on seducing her, so even if I wanted to get around her connections, I wouldn't. Also, the doing work thing when I'm being paid to do work. I should do that.

Contest Information!

Now, for this one, I've decided we'll do something a little bit different. Like always, I'm going to come up with a random, painful, or otherwise aggravating task for you, the contestant, to participate in! Or, in this case, five tasks! To win Gears 3 Epic Edition and action figures!

But what's that?

I already pre-ordered Gears of War 3, this contest sucks!

In that case, you're in luck! Should you possess an inferior, regular edition of Gears 3 or a slightly cooler, but not prohibitively awesome edition of Gears 3, I will pay you the cash value of the copy you ordered (if you don't have anyone to give it to because you're nice), because yes, I am that awesome!

Yes, even if you've pre-ordered Gears of War 3, you're going to make out like a damned champion!

The Prize

For the prize, I'm going to begin by pre-ordering the contest winner a copy of the $150, holycrapexpensive! edition of Gears 3. If the contest winner has already ordered a copy, I will reimburse them for the full cost of it, plus shipping to me, the moment their inferior, not awesome copy is in my hands.

I'm not done. I mentioned action figures, right?

Beyond this already-awesome offer, I will be ordering the winner of the contest any five Gears of War action figures available on sale between $10 and $20.

This is a total prize worth, potentially, $200 to $250 before I buy the contest winner's copy of Gears of War 3 from them. And I'm buying the second-place person an Epic Edition as well!

Also, the second-place entrant ALSO gets a copy of the Gears of War 3: Epic Edition because fuck you Brazilian tax law! This will be my biggest and last contest until after the new year.

The Contest

Now, I'm not sure exactly what "tasks" I'm going to have each person partake in beyond the first, but I do know two things:

1) The final task has the following point values:

-First Place: 18 Points
-Second Place: 14 Points
-Third Place: 12 Points
-Fourth Place or worse: 8 Points

If you don't participate in a task, you get nothing, so participation, however elementary, could mean the difference between winning and losing!

2) There will be a total of four tasks. The theoretical "best" for this competition is 26 points, but I honestly expect the winner to be ranging in the 10-20 range. But I lie a lot, so whatever.

So, for the Wonderputt Leaderboards, we have:

Blasto: 151675
ScottyG: 147753
SuperMonk: 141600
HammerShark: 133744
JohnnyViral: 128671

With all that entails! Congratulations to Blasto for being a physics-defying wizard who has somehow gained first place. Now, based on my arbitrary rules, fight a good battle so that you can at least get second.

Leaderboards!

Blasto: 18 pts
SuperMonk4Ever: 14 pts
Epic: 11 pts
ScottyG: 9 pts
HammerShark: 3 pts
Occam's: 3 pts
JohnnyViral: 3 pts
mrandydixon: 3 pts
knutaf: 3 pts
johnnyviral: 3 pts
PerfidiousSinn: 3 pts
Caiters: 2 pts
WyllVengeance: 2 pts

The True, Final Task!

Bullet Heaven. Survival with Matt. List your Best Wave, High Score, and Most Kills using a screenshot.

Based on my own experience, you've got to at least beat

Wave: 17
High Score: 69540
Most Kills: 164 (80%)

If you want to stand a chance. give the game a shot and remember to screencap that shit!

Cheers!
-meteorscrap

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LOOK WHO CAME:

meteorscrap   

Kevin McClusky   1

SuperMonk4Ever   1

Elsa   1

Morty   1