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Monthly Unamusing: Your Mouth, Valve's Wang


Let me begin this by saying that I am a small, hateful person that should be avoided or ignored, and that the opinion expressed in this blog is my own, and has no intention to troll, but rather used to vent some steam so I can go back to hiding under a rock and pretending like one of the most anticipated games in recent memory wasn't just released to critical acclaim and collective ejaculation of the internet. If that sounds bitter, then how much more bitter am I going to be when every last excited person starts putting up a blog, a tweet, or finds some other way to make Portal 2 insinuate itself into every conversation.

There are those of you that I assume are wondering what is wrong with me, and there is quite a bit, but I don't have the time or patience to get into all of that, instead I'm going to keep at what it is you are doing to add to it. More specifically my issue with people that can't contain their excitement, and how it ruins what little joy a dour person, like myself, could get from game by being overwhelmed by platitudes and misappropriated quotes. Just so we are clear in this, it isn't that I am not excited or happy that Portal 2 is here and great, but rather that I hate the chattering, squirrel-faced masses that will geek out on this game to the point where I can't respect the game for the sake of attracting the lowest of gaming lows, which is to say fan boys.

Take that with a grain of salt though, there are many things worth being praised, and the best of those things are always overrated to some extent. That I am worrying about how badly I am going to hate the fans of Portal 2 is only a testament its success. It could reach Star Wars, LotR, Harry Potter, and Twilight proportions. Again I feel conflicted in asking you to curb your enthusiasm because ultimately I love a lot of those things as much as you do and truly wish them the utmost public acknowledgement and critical approval, but all of the wide-eyed, wider-mouthed monkeys out there kill me. In that resentment, I am no better than the worst of hipsters. Frankly, I am disgusted by that, and wanting to hide away something great from the roaring, derpy crowd is no less evil than the crowd itself.

Yet here I am, yelling at the top of my lungs. So instead of me giving you more of that, I would like you to consider something. When you spend the next couple of months, or possibly years, gushing about Portal 2, don't concern yourself with whether or not the game is great, because at this point we all know that it is, but rather how much of a service you are doing the fan base of the game and those that you'd like to win over to it.

Responsibility isn't a concept normally considered when geeking out, as a matter of fact I think the moderation it implies might be the antithesis of geeking out. Although in my heart I still feel that bubbling, joyous glee, and I know that it is a good feeling and one that regardless of how obnoxiously it ends up being expressed that the source from which it came is worthy and right. I don't want to give up on awesome things because of whom they would align me with, and I don't think you do either. We can hope that one day we, myself especially, can unclench our collective sphincters and let loose with our feelings. I'm just worried that instead of hearing funny, little farts now and then that we might be spraying diarrhea all over the place.

So please think about it. Think about about it long and hard before becoming that inner geek. If you truly love the game, then the best thing you can do to show it is be able to make other people love you for loving it.
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About falsenippleone of us since 7:51 PM on 04.15.2010

I can't think of a good reason why I blog here, and honestly I think its only because I lack the self-control not to. In the past I have wasted way too much time socializing online simply because I liked the anonymity and all the stupid trolling that entailed.

Of course, this is a different place, you're all respectable people, and I am an adult who has grown into his three inch penis and the inferiority complex that accompanies it.

Hi, my name is J/Jordan/falsenipple, but you can call me whatever you like, or summarily ignore me if that better suits your fancy. I'm nearing on being old enough to be dead, from Chicago, and have been gaming since I was 6, which was awhile ago.

I have yet to mature since then, nor have I become skilled enough to beat Megaman 2, although it hasn't stopped me from soundly losing until I have won every other game.

None of the previously mentioned things actually mean much to me though. Frankly, as any good troll is, I am more interested in other people, which is why I don't talk about myself too often. I've got a mouthful of feet and a throat full of Achilles' heels. So making this introduction is more than awkward for me.

Most of the time I just stalk people around until they assume that I'm their friend, or a friend of their friend, who unassumingly has been shadowing the lot of them and pocketing scraps of their hair to make dolls out of.

Forget that you read that last bit. Also forget that I've ended multiple sentences with propositions. The devil made me do it.

I guess I should keep at whatever it is I am doing here.



1. Are you a gamer?

No, but I've passed the Turing Test, so I can't rightfully be called a game anymore.

2. What?

Just go with it.

3. Seriously?


4. Are you going to continue asking yourself questions in the third person?

I didn't ask for schizophrenia, but I'll sure as shit not be sassed by my own psychosis. NEXT QUESTION PLEASE~!

5. What games are you currently playing or would like to play in the future?

Battlefield 3, Dark Souls, Magic: The Gathering, Bioshock Infinite, and a bunch of other garbage. It's a lot easier just to stalk people online through their gamertag and psn tag than actually answer something like this.

You could look at mine (GT:OMGhotdogs, PSN:jsapper), but I don't exactly like most people enough to to game with them, let alone accept friend requests. I'm kind of a misanthrope, and spend most of my time mumbling to myself and hiding in dark places within online shooters hoping to ambush someone and steal their wallet and possibly ask them how punctuation works. You know, so I can type up readable things instead of things like this.

6. Are you alright?


7. Stop staring at me.

That's not a question.

8. You're not making this any easier.

Funnel Cake?