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Rex, PI #2: Down the Drain

First, just let me say, WOW. I had no idea that everybody would like my fanfic so much (part one here if you haven't read it), and so here I am, writing the second chapter! I worked long and hard on this, and so I hope you like it. Also, sorry about it being so late; you know what Christmastime is like. Enjoy![edit: Originally, this was posted on New Years Eve, but I took it down to revise and perfect it. Yesterday, I posted it, but was forced to take it down due to technical difficulties caused by my friend's cruddy laptop. Let's hope it works this time.]

My Office

The next day, I called the plumber in so that I could learn a bit more about the princess. He told me that she was the sole heir to the throne of the "Mushroom Kingdom," and if he hadn't already paid me, I would've sent him home right then. Let me tell ya, I've heard alibis more plausible than this spewing out of crooks I've caught. However, he had already paid me, so I tried to suspend my disbelief as he proceeded to explain that his country had no armed forces, even though a terrorist insurgence movement, nicknamed the Koopa Clan, had been carrying out attacks upon the kingdom for years. The leader of this movement, a man going by the name "Bowser," had been keeping his forces quiet in the weeks leading up to Peach's disappearance, so it was plain as day to me that they had done the deed, if the Italian was to be believed.

"...and I couldn't ask just anybody to help-a-me out; they'd think that I had gone-a-crazy or something!"

"I wonder why. Tell me, why did you come to a private detective for help, then?"

"What, do you think that I'd-a rescue the Princess Peach myself? Take-a look at me! I'm a vertically challenged chubby old plumber, and it's hard enough for me to save a seat for-a movie! Anybody who thinks that I could do that is one meatball short of-a spaghetti platter!"

"Calm down there, Mario. Do you have any other possible leads?"

"Well, right-a before she disappeared, the Princess did send me this-a-magical map."

And with that, Mario pulled out a piece of parchment so old, it'd make your head spin. As the dust cleared from the air, he turned to me and asked "What do you-a think it means?"

"I'm not so sure about that, but do you think I could keep it for now? I'm gonna need all the help I can get on this case. Do you have any other relevant information that could assist me?"

"I don't-a-think so."

"Well, then clear out so I can give myself time to think. The sooner I can figure out this map, the sooner I can find your princess."

"Thank you-a-very much, Rex. If you need anything else, just-a contact me at this hotel." He said, as he handed me a slip of paper.

"Sure thing, Mario. Take care."

And with that, the Italian left my office, leaving me alone with only the map and my thoughts for company.

Fast forward to midnight. I had been looking at the map for hours, but to no avail. The thing was almost impossible to understand. After my fifth cup of coffee- black, just like the night sky outside my window- I slammed my fist against the desk in frustration, and forced myself to tear my mind away from this mystery for a while. I headed into the bathroom to clear my thoughts and bowels, but little did I know that trouble was ahead- and I'm not talking about constipation.

On the way, I grabbed the paper. In hindsight, I don't know why. The news bores me, and the comic section has done nothing but depress me since The Far Side was cancelled. As I opened the door, something felt off, but I quickly dismissed the feeling, telling myself that I was just on edge from so much coffee. I sat down and barely had time to glimpse the front headline of the news, "Mysterious Crime Wave May be Linked to Mob Activity," before I was sucked down the pipe.

Just as I was flushed down the toilet, I heard a strange sound, three successive tones like nothing I had heard before in my long history as a detective. Right before I fully entered the bowl, my wildly flailing arms met with my jacket, which I grabbed and held on to, not knowing where this trip would end. I was engulfed in blackness and felt a dizzying sense of speed as I tried to pull my pants up and put on my coat before I reached my destination. Suddenly, I was ejected from the pipe and found myself sprawled upon the ground in front of two large figures.

As my vision cleared, I tried to make sense of what I was seeing. Fat men? No, nobody is shaped like that, and... what are those things sticking out of their heads? Finally, I could make out what I was seeing, starting from the bottom and working up. Large feet... Suits... Blue faces with enormous noses... and... little palm trees? It couldn't be...

"Get up!" Said the larger one, as he nudged me with his foot.

At a loss for words a second time in twenty-four hours, to this day still a personal record, I got to my feet and managed to stutter out "P-p-p-p... piantas?"

"You better believe it, buddy!" He said again.

"B-b-b-b-but you're just an urban l-l-legend..."

"Does this look like an urban legend to you?" He threatened as he shook a fist inches away from my face.

"This-this is impossible! What's next, a baby riding a dinosaur?"

The piantas looked at each other and shook their heads.

"No, this is just a hallucination. Somebody must have slipped FK into my coffee, or I tripped in the bathroom and hot my head!"

The smaller pianta slapped me across the face. "Spiked coffee can't do that, can it? You're here for a reason. Tell him, Andy."

Once again, the pianta named Andy spoke up. "The Don caught wind of yer little investigation into the princess's disappearance. Now, we don't wanna hurt ya, but if I was you, I'd just go back up that pipe, tell Mario that ya couldn't find a thing, and send him on his way. We all go home happy. But, if ya think that it's still a good idea to be searchin' around for the dame, then i don't think we can be held responsible for what might happen, right Matt? So whaddaya say, Rex? Are you gonna help us out, or will we hafta do things the hard way?"

With my life in peril, I talked slowly, knowing that one wrong move could be the end of me. "Listen you goons, I don't know you, and I don't know what your Don has to do with the princess, but I've got a code of ethics. If a man comes to me for help, I help him, no matter who threatens me or who gets in the way. I've gotten out of trickier situations than this, so I'd advise you both to back down, or things might not end favorably for you two."

As I was speaking, I slowly reached into my pocket for my pistol. Many people warned against carrying a firearm, saying that it was too dangerous and could get me hurt. Naturally, I brushed them aside; if I can handle an inner monologue so well, who's to say that I can't handle a firearm?

Distracted by my inner monologue, I didn't notice Andy batting away the gun until it was too late.

"It's really a shame that we have to do this," he said, "Because we thought that you would have the sense to cooperate. Let's get 'im, Matt."

Then, they both procured baseball bats, seemingly out of nowhere, and proceded to beat me to a pulp. Finally satisfied with the job, they stopped and started walking away towards another pipe. In my weakened state, I could hear them chatting, overhearing Andy mentioning something pertaining to boners. I glimpsed my gun just a few feet away on the floor. I crawled to it, almost crying out from the pain. I picked it up and aimed. I fired just as Matt followed Andy into the pipe. As my vision faded, I could see the bullet go high and hit a flashing block...

----------END OF PART TWO----------
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About rexwolf2one of us since 12:51 PM on 06.17.2010

It's your favorite knight, Rex! After an extended leave, I'm back in the community and here to stay.

Along the way back to Dtoid, I've delved into PC gaming and picked up an appreciation for things that I'm horrible at, such as roguelikes, horror, and twitch.

Mix a love for indies, lifelong Nintendo fandom, and an unhealthy obsession with Shu Takumi. Stir with the Master Sword while sprinkling in bits of Cave Story and Terry Cavanagh, then bring to boil. Add in chopped Zero Escape series, with a light hint of not being good at shooters. Cover and let simmer for 45 minutes. Serve alongside a generous helping of Kirby, and you've got RexWolfSoup!

I'm trying my best every day to be a bright beam of sunlight, and it's great to meet you! Come and stay a while.

...I still like Kirby Air Ride.


Steam ID: rexwolf2

3DS Friend Code: 3437-3077-8993