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Occam Thoughts: Gremlins, Games and Winters

Hello gentle reader. How have you been? It�s been a while.

Aside: Every time someone says that to me I immediately hear the Staind song of the same title in my head. THANKS TEENAGE ME!

Since last I dumped my thoughts here on my blog things have happened. Let�s take a closer look at these things, shall we?

I have many dreams my friends. One is to uppercut a big dude in a Stuckey�s parking lot while wearing a pair of bedazzled overalls. Another is being able to play the X-Men Arcade game with my friends. Now one of these dreams is going to become a reality. I am ecstatic. Straight from my nostalgia-soaked brain to modern times, one of my favorite beat �em ups of all time is getting released. My character of choice was always Nightcrawler. For those of you who don�t know, he�s a blue demon Jesuit priest man with a tail (and single ladies!) Also, bonus fun: he enjoys beating alcoholics who have passed out on the street.

Looks like somebody just read American Psycho�

Of course there will be the unfortunate scenario in this game of who will play Dazzler. No one likes Dazzler. She sucked to play as in the game and as a superhero she repeatedly failed and actually ended up accidentally murdering dozens of babies on numerous occasions. According to my hopes and dreams, Dazzler is currently dead in the Marvel universe, having been beaten to death by Juggernaut using the broken, bloodied corpse of Jubilee.

Nice onsie, flashdance

I beat Dead Rising 2. I went into this game optimistic. The things I hated about the first game (save system, survivors AI, bad camera) were mostly fixed, at least enough so that I could play the game with minimal frustration. More save points made that headache easier and multiple save slots were a big help. Combing items to make better, deadlier items was a lot of fun. The Defiler, a combination of a fire axe and sledgehammer, was my favorite. Oh sure, a bit slow to swing but when it connects, you are rewarded with a spray of blood and gore. Certainly, with each swing of this hellish death tool, I had begun the road to winning my back my father�s love.

New Destructoid came and went as it is apparently now being re-worked. Hate to see it go just as I was getting used to it but I understand. No one likes showing up to prom without the appropriate amount of body glitter on. So having dabbled in the waters of new Destructoid, I can say with clarity of someone clutching a 5-year sober chip that the future of the site and this community is in good hands. Just�.please Destructoid�.don�t take away my ability to post pictures again. It was like you cut out the part of my soul that can taste cake.

I watched Human Centipede recently. It was what Maid in Manhattan should have been. Not a bad movie in the grand realm of things but it didn�t gross me out or shock me. Then again, nothing grosses me out or shocks me much anymore. Not after that day in Golden Corral. The German fella who played the doctor was ace. Seriously, he reminded me of if Phil Collins had a true form that was a Nazi. All in all, a decent movie and judging it on shock/gore value may be selling it short but I�m not quite willing to plum the social and moral implications of ass to mouth: the horror movie just yet.

Aside: There is a Suicide Girls horror movie. I�m just going to go ahead and push the Armageddon Clock on tic closer to chiming its bell.

So I was thinking about Gremlins 2: The New Batch the other day.

Aside: I have a giant crush on Phoebe Cates that has lasted into my adult life. Just want to throw that out there.

Now Gremlins 2 is the superior Gremlins film because of the variety and wackiness of the gremlins in the movie. What�s that? Don�t like wackiness? Well let me ask you this then: Why do you hate fun? Because that�s what Gremlins 2 is. Pure fucking fun. Imagine a perfect world where the Dark Crystal sequel gets made and isn�t a visual abortion. Now imagine Phoebe Cates and I riding atop a giant war bear. I am dressed in a pair of bedazzled overalls. Phoebe is dressed like Dorothy Parker only less sad and not into marrying gay men who will break her heart. We are eating birthday cake served to us by crying Care Bears. In the corner a Care Bear cousin (the raccoon) has just coughed up blood and died.

In this world, famed nature documentarian Richard Attenborough has made a documentary about the gremlins of Gremlins 2: The New Batch. It�s a brilliant thing.

For your approval I submit the Gremlins 2: The New Batch Gremlin Hierarchy. Spider Gremlin>Lightning Gremlin> Gargoyle Gremlin>Smart Gremlin> Vegetable Gremlin>Gizmo

However, the greatest gremlin in that movie is, without a doubt, sexy lady Gremlin.

It�s like that hot bassist for White Zombie got turned into a gremlin. I adored the sexy lady Gremlin. Sometimes I imagine that Kira from the Dark Crystal and sexy lady Gremlin team up and fight crime together.

I'll go ahead and beat mrandydixon to the punch here and say that by "fighting crime" I mean scissor. Sorry Andy.

I have recently played, beat and continued playing Naruto Shippuden Ultimate Ninja Storm 2. I cannot recommend this game enough. Going into it, I knew very little about the Naruto universe. The game does a great job of filling you in on what is going on. The combat is simple to control and difficult to master. The �boss� fights, used as major plot points, are simply brilliant. Through a series of quick time events you engage in these epic battles where frog gods are summoned, varieties of energy are created and tossed around like a frisbee, and if you aren�t jumping from tree to tree then you are doing it wrong.

You can purchase these cut scenes to watch in a theater mode which I highly recommend as they are a hoot to watch and show friends. I have put 30 hours into the game and can�t get enough of it. If any of the above sounds like fun to you, rent/Gamelfy/purchase this game. You will not be disappointed.

Winter is finally upon us here in Louisiana. That means the ridiculous booty shorts with words on the asses the college girls wear will go away, only to be replaced by Ugg boots which I equally loathe. On a brighter note, it also means I get to wear my long coat. I love my long coat. It�s black and wool and long and when I wear it I totally feel like a vampire hunter. Ok, not exactly like a vampire hunter but I do feel a wee bit more badass.

Also, cigarettes taste better in the Winter and the nights just feel better. I�ve always been a night owl and even more so on crisp cold nights when it feels like anything is possible. Now for those of you who live in places where the weather drops into the teens and blizzards killed your paw, I can understand that the Winter is seen more as an invading force rather than a pleasant season. However, for we in the South who suffer through the umpteenth Saw sequel that are Louisiana Summers, the Winter is my one and only time to go outside and play and enjoy it.

Ok, these were some of the bread crumbs I call thoughts that I have swept from my brain and onto the screen for you. I hope all of you have a pleasant day.

- Sent from my Lisa Frank Dungeon

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About Occamsone of us since 7:53 PM on 02.11.2009

I am a Community Moderator for Destructoid. I am also the resident Resplendent Black Grandmother. My mind is broken glass and my heart is swollen and corpulent, like a cheeto left in a puddle of Diet Coke.

Well that certainly sounded dramatic.

LOL Andy was here LOL
PSN ID:Mother_Meat


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