Something about E3: 34 things you’ll have to hear soon.

1:26 PM on 06.11.2010 (server time)0

Ah E3, that special time of year when everyone in the games industry piles into one place to perform self masturbatory speeches in a bid for attention. It’s a lot like a sack full of badgers, a bunch of feral animals clawing away at each other try to prove who’s the superior being, the alpha-badger if you will, and at the end of the day all we’re left with is a bag full of hate, broken dreams and badger faeces.

They’re evolving..........and they’re coming to E3....

What should be a time of excitement, healthy competition and pride in how far we’ve come turns into a repugnant orgy of blame and sick joy in the failure of others. But who’s to blame for this festering pigswill of a response to what should be a celebration of all things game? YOU that’s who!! Well this is Destructoid so not you specifically, but him at the back.....no.....the other guy.......to the left........more.....yeah......yeah YOU with the default avatar! The guy who only comments on reviews and never has anything nice to say about anything! It’s YOUR fault!

So, in order to prepare your ears for the onslaught of verbal rape they’ll be receiving soon I’ve prepared a list of the 34 things you’re most likely to hear during and after E3.

1. Oh my god, the Nintendo conference was so sad!

2. Oh my god, Microsoft’s conference completely tanked!

3. Oh my god, Sony’s conference was complete fail!

4. What the fuck!?The new Zelda doesn’t have Link duel wielding crossbows like I imagined it would!

5. Fuck, Valve’s big announcement wasn’t Half Life: Episode 3 with Gordon Freeman using a portal gun!

6. Fuck Nintendo, they didn’t reveal a new Kid Icarus, they don’t care about real gamers!

7. Fuck Nintendo, they didn’t reveal a new Star Fox, they don’t care about real gamers!

8. Fuck Nintendo, they didn’t reveal a new Pikmin, F-Zero or Golden Sun, they don’t care about real gamers!

9. Ha ha, Move sux dick!

10. Ha ha, Natal sux balls!

11. Neither Move nor Natal seemed very good, the games industry is instantly dead now!

12. Gran Turismo 5 still doesn’t have a release date? Fail.

13. That’s bullshit! Marvel vs Capcom doesn’t have some obscure comic book character I like!

14. All the Microsoft exclusives were shit graphics and mindless violence!

15. All the Sony exclusives were boring and ghey!

16. All the Nintendo exclusives were stupid and for babies!

17. SquareEnix didn’t announce the secret Final Fantasy 7 remake that they’re totally working on!

18. Killzone 3? More like Killzowned 3! Halo: Reach FTW!

19. Halo: Reach? More like Halo: Reacharound! Killzone 3 FTW!

20. Metal Gear Rising looks like shit, it’s clearly been compromised by the Xbox!

21. Oh my god did you see the 3D games? That shit is the future, fuck Natal and Milo!

22. Oh my god did you see Natal and Milo? That shit is the future, fuck 3D!

23. Ha ha, that guy made an embarrassing mistake on stage!

24. Ahh, they’ve completely ruined Deus Ex forever because of that one change they made! BOYCOTT!

25. Seriously we need to prove that Nintendo/Sony/Microsoft won E3, because it’s a competition you guys!

26. The games industry is dead because I don’t really like E3!

27. Ha ha, remember that guy who made an embarrassing mistake on stage?

28. Wow, Peter Molyneux is totally going to change the way everybody thinks about everything forever!

29. My childhood is dead because Miyamoto stood up on stage and waggled for ten minutes.

30. Seriously the lack of professional journalism is very disconcerting!

31. I’d like to booth that babe..........with my cock! Hahahahahahahah!

32. Holy shit! That trailer for a revival of an old game isn’t true to the original vision or the expectations I built up in my head over the years! BOYCOTT!

33. Ha ha, I made a techno remix of that guy who made an embarrassing mistake on stage!

34. SONIC IS RUINED FOREVER FOR THE SEVENTH TIME!!!

The above is just a fraction of what’s to come, if there’s one thing we’ve learned about these.... “people” it’s that their rage and stupidity knows no bounds. They can turn what seems like a lovely surprise into a rat’s nest of baseless, pointless arguments till you lose faith in humanity.

But remember children, E3 is a time of fun and excitement for those of us who possess the power of common sense, don’t let the internet boogiemen ruin your fun, we’ve got a week of game announcements, first looks, and maybe even a couple of surprises ahead of us. So remember, if they’re under sixteen, claim to own all consoles, or are trying to overcompensate for their small genitals, then you don’t need to listen to them.

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