Dante's Inferno is things, also candy bars

I recently had a nice opportunity to visit my best friend in the distant land he has chosen to reside in, and as any proper pair of young male dorks we played lots of videogames. While my friend went out during the day to some activity called a "job", I poured over his exotic pile of PS3 games and chose to try Dante's Inferno. From what I heard on Dtoid, the game was full of lots of wildly offensive things which made me very excited.

As soon as I put in the disc for Dante's InfernoorshouldIsayGodofWar2.5amiriteetc.etc. I was alarmed at what seemed to be a narrative. I anxiously mashed some buttons and successfully skipped a few cutscenes until I was allowed to do some proper killings. The game won some points straight away for featuring Death as the first boss, since the original Castlevania had us believe for decades that Death was supposed to be a second-last boss. Right off the bat, conventions were being broken.



Unfortunately, after seizing Death's epic scythe and running around in a graveyard for some reason I found that the titular Inferno into which Dante was expected to descend into was quite unspectacular and unshocking. I don't know how video games have come to this point where I can witness a giant woman with blade-swinging fetuses coming out of her nipple and be completely unimpressed. In the game's defense, making a mockery of a classic poem and being blatantly offensive just to get attention was the only way for this game to stand out as something other than a God of War clone. Adding a touch of subtlety and nuance to the game's overall presentation in order to properly convey the depravity and vileness of Hell and having a bit of faith in your game's own gameplay really wouldn't have helped at all.

The only thing that really stunned me was that the game shows you Dante's bum at the end. For a game that was all about boobie-boobboob boobity-boobs whenever a woman appeared on screen, it was genuinely a surprise to see the male lead get a little naked. It also added a nice touch of comedy in what was quite a dry and cereal plot. Bums.



Speaking of dry and cereal, I met some Mormon missionaries who were just walking around in suits greeting random strangers and telling them about how great Mormon and the Gang are. Apparently Mormon and some engraved plates as well as Joseph Smith and DID YOU KNOW that there is a person alive today who is spoken to directly by Jesus or something? He lives in Utah, I asked. Since the missionaries were so polite I indulged their desire to say words and they ended up giving me The Book of Mormon, or rather A The Book of Mormon because in reality there are several copies of it. I read the first chapter but the characters weren't really that interesting so I'm putting it aside for now.

In other things, I bought an Oh Henry bar for the first time in several years on my way back home. I couldn't comprehend the amount of peanuts that were in that thing. There were so many of them I could actually legitimately kid myself into thinking I was eating something healthy. It's nice that Faceless Megacorporation is looking out for my well-being like that.

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LOOK WHO CAME:

Poe