LONG BLOG
Video Games and Lifetime Original Movies
As much as I love video games I have another passion. That passion is Lifetime Original movies. Since I can't read, movies are the main way I gain knowledge. In that spirit, I humbly present to you video games and the Lifetime Original movies that they remind me of.
Loaded - PS1
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: I Do ( But I don’t)
Why: Denise Richards starred in this charming little film about getting engaged to Mr. Wrong. Really I just want Cap n’ Hands to murder the shit out of her.
Donkey Kong 64 – N64
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: Imaginary Playmate
Why: The woman who played Dizzy in Starship Troopers stars in this quaint movie about the ghost of her new husband’s ex-wife haunting Dizzy and her new family. I always thought she had a passing resemblance to Donkey Kong with the unibrow and feces throwing.
Final Fantasy IX – PS1
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: Baby for Sale
Why: Because Zidane looks like a man child with hydrocephalus who should be sold to some creepy rich white folks in Boulder, CO and forced to dance in a bedazzled onesie to Paula Abdul songs.
Blast Corps – N64
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: More of Me
Why: This movie is like Multiplicity, only instead of Mr. Mom we get the least funniest female SNL cast member with the possible exception of Chris Kattan. Molly Shannon should be strapped to the front of that truck carrying all the nukes for making Superstar.
Robocop vs Terminator – SNES
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: A Face to Kill For
Why: Starring Crystal Bernard of Wings fame in her breakout role in which she has a bad case of hate face, goes to jail for a crime she didn’t commit, gets out of jail, loses the hate face, and kills the guy she used to sleep with. The only connection I can make here is one time I wrote a totally unrelated Robocop/Terminator/Crystal Bernard erotic short story.
Marvel vs Capcom – Arcade
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life
Why: In this film, a young man’s life is ruined by the discovery of internet porn. He loses friends, his girlfriend and his little brother totally finds his dvd’s which gets kinda awkward since they both presumably sullied themselves to the same material. I was addicted to playing Marvel vs Capcom and ruined a lot of gamers’ lives with my Strider/Wolverine combo.
Bioshock – Xbox 360
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: Maternal Instincts
Why: Delta Burke can’t have kids but does have cancer. She loses her shit and attacks people with a wrench. While playing Bioshock, I pretended I was Delta Burke and the splicers were all clones of Meshach Taylor.
Haunting Ground – PS2
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: My Stepson, My Lover (aka Love, Murder and Deceit)
Why: Guess the plot. Now, in Haunting Grounds, your grandfather wants to knock you up. Classy, I know. To be fair though, he’s all dying and in a wheel chair and you can totally help him live forever by doing the deed. It’s cool though, you have a dog that helps you out. Incest is rarely handled well in a video game, or fake incest like in My Stepson, My Lover. This game is no exception.
Cobra Triangle - NES
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: Fifteen and Pregnant
Why: The sheer badassittude of Park Overall (Empty Nest, HOLLA!) balances out the creepy man-faced scarecrow that is Kirsten Dunst. However, a pregnant teen version of Kirsten Dunst is slightly less awful. Now in relation to Cobra Triangle, just think of Dunst as the sea dragon and Park Overall is the person piloting the boat.
Halo 2 – Xbox
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: The Pregnancy Pact
Why: Based on reports in the news, Thora Birch plays a journalist who investigates a dramatic spike in teen pregnancies in her home town. She has to confront conservative parent groups, the school board and other concerned white people in order to get to the truth as to whether a pregnancy pact really exists. In terms of Halo 2, well….there’s a “spray and pray” joke in here somewhere but I’ll just sidestep that and say that I was disappointed in both.
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Loaded - PS1
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: I Do ( But I don’t)
Why: Denise Richards starred in this charming little film about getting engaged to Mr. Wrong. Really I just want Cap n’ Hands to murder the shit out of her.
Donkey Kong 64 – N64
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: Imaginary Playmate
Why: The woman who played Dizzy in Starship Troopers stars in this quaint movie about the ghost of her new husband’s ex-wife haunting Dizzy and her new family. I always thought she had a passing resemblance to Donkey Kong with the unibrow and feces throwing.
Final Fantasy IX – PS1
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: Baby for Sale
Why: Because Zidane looks like a man child with hydrocephalus who should be sold to some creepy rich white folks in Boulder, CO and forced to dance in a bedazzled onesie to Paula Abdul songs.
Blast Corps – N64
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: More of Me
Why: This movie is like Multiplicity, only instead of Mr. Mom we get the least funniest female SNL cast member with the possible exception of Chris Kattan. Molly Shannon should be strapped to the front of that truck carrying all the nukes for making Superstar.
Robocop vs Terminator – SNES
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: A Face to Kill For
Why: Starring Crystal Bernard of Wings fame in her breakout role in which she has a bad case of hate face, goes to jail for a crime she didn’t commit, gets out of jail, loses the hate face, and kills the guy she used to sleep with. The only connection I can make here is one time I wrote a totally unrelated Robocop/Terminator/Crystal Bernard erotic short story.
Marvel vs Capcom – Arcade
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life
Why: In this film, a young man’s life is ruined by the discovery of internet porn. He loses friends, his girlfriend and his little brother totally finds his dvd’s which gets kinda awkward since they both presumably sullied themselves to the same material. I was addicted to playing Marvel vs Capcom and ruined a lot of gamers’ lives with my Strider/Wolverine combo.
Bioshock – Xbox 360
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: Maternal Instincts
Why: Delta Burke can’t have kids but does have cancer. She loses her shit and attacks people with a wrench. While playing Bioshock, I pretended I was Delta Burke and the splicers were all clones of Meshach Taylor.
Haunting Ground – PS2
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: My Stepson, My Lover (aka Love, Murder and Deceit)
Why: Guess the plot. Now, in Haunting Grounds, your grandfather wants to knock you up. Classy, I know. To be fair though, he’s all dying and in a wheel chair and you can totally help him live forever by doing the deed. It’s cool though, you have a dog that helps you out. Incest is rarely handled well in a video game, or fake incest like in My Stepson, My Lover. This game is no exception.
Cobra Triangle - NES
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: Fifteen and Pregnant
Why: The sheer badassittude of Park Overall (Empty Nest, HOLLA!) balances out the creepy man-faced scarecrow that is Kirsten Dunst. However, a pregnant teen version of Kirsten Dunst is slightly less awful. Now in relation to Cobra Triangle, just think of Dunst as the sea dragon and Park Overall is the person piloting the boat.
Halo 2 – Xbox
Equivalent Lifetime original movie: The Pregnancy Pact
Why: Based on reports in the news, Thora Birch plays a journalist who investigates a dramatic spike in teen pregnancies in her home town. She has to confront conservative parent groups, the school board and other concerned white people in order to get to the truth as to whether a pregnancy pact really exists. In terms of Halo 2, well….there’s a “spray and pray” joke in here somewhere but I’ll just sidestep that and say that I was disappointed in both.
- Sent from my Lisa Frank Dungeon
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About Occamsone of us since 7:53 PM on 02.11.2009
I am a Community Moderator for Destructoid. I am also the resident Resplendent Black Grandmother. My mind is broken glass and my heart is swollen and corpulent, like a cheeto left in a puddle of Diet Coke.
Well that certainly sounded dramatic.
LOL Andy was here LOL
Well that certainly sounded dramatic.
LOL Andy was here LOL