Why FFXIII is the worst one EVAR!

Final Fantasy was an instant classic ever since the first game in the series (Final Fantasy VII) came out. But since then the games quality has been in a slow downward spiral and has gradually fallen out of the graces of its fans and turned into a pale shallow husk of what it used to represent. Until now it was at least a tolerable husk, close enough to what it used to be to still be a decent experience, but since FFXIII was released we have all discovered how SquareEnix plans to continue the series, they plan to continue changing things and making the games feel different and basically making a new game every time, the nerve...... and I’m here to show you why FFXIII is the worst offender yet!

Reason #1 – The menus don’t go blep, blep, blep.

Right off the bat they decided to get rid of an old staple of the series. Cycling through the menus in a FF game has always been accompanied by the soothing tones of the “blep blep” sound. It has always been there, ready to greet us with every new game like a dog wagging it tail as its owner enters the house. But now the dog has gotten ideas above its station and has bitten the hand that feeds, changing the “blep blep” sound is essentially the same as them saying “Fuck you! We don’t care about your nostalgia. We’ll put in any sound we want and you’ll like it motherfucker!” Now when we peruse the menus we are met with the cold and heartless “dic dic” sound instead.

Reason #2 – The fights aren’t turn based.

Most people think that the early FF games had turn based combat because of the technical limitations of consoles at the time but that’s just a myth, the true fans know the reason why this decision was made. The real fans know that Final Fantasy games come from Japan. You see, Japan is a country steeped in respect, politeness, and honour, so much so that they actually take turns in their fights as a sign of respect. To not take turns in a fight is to dishonour yourself, that’s why they invented kamikaze pilots – if they waited for the enemy boats to retaliate they would have been shot out of the sky, so they tried to destroy them in their first attack. But Final Fantasy has abandoned its Japanese roots by getting rid of turns and trying to appeal to a wider audience by copying fast paced western games like Devil May Cry and Bayonetta.



Bear with me here for a second, a Leona Lewis song appears in FFXIII, Leona Lewis was discovered on X Factor or Pop Idol or American Idol or Britain’s got Talent or one of those shows, whatever show it was it was produced by Simon Cowell, which means when you buy FFXIII a small fraction of your money goes to that man. Are you ok with that? Giving money to the man who has plagued television with no less than five talent competitions in which he sits in a panel of judges and insults people, six with the upcoming American X Factor. He just keeps on repackaging the same basic elements but changing the people and places they appear in and calls it new, how does that have anything to do with Final Fantasy!?

Reason #8 – It’s not Final Fantasy VII.

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