A totally random evening

Below you will find a partial transcript of an evening a couple of years ago where one of my brothers and I sat down to play a bunch of games. At the time we decided to liveblog our experience. The blog it used to be on is long since dead, so I figured I'd post it here for posterity's sake. There's really nothing remotely intelligent or terribly funny in here.

P represents me, A represents my brother, and H is our roommate who chimes in occasionally. We really intended to play through the entire collection of ROMs, but never did get through the A's.

Our story thus far�

Heroes A and P have embarked on an epic journey to play every ROM on a massive NES Dreamcast ROM disc. Starting at 9:30 pm on Friday Feb. 29th, 2008, it is currently 10:42 pm, and they have progressed to The Adventures of Lolo 2. Let�s look in�

P: Lolo has really fuckin� big eyes. And he�s cross-eyed!

A: There�s probably something I�m not doing here�. That fuckin� armadillo is gonna get free�Trapped! trapped motherfucker. Oh I can walk over the chest. Very good.

P: Some beer might have to be had.

A: WHAT?! WRAP IT UP? (of an unceremonious death). That�s what she said.

P: Alright moving on�(A takes over blog).

P: Alright, Adventures of Lolo 3. OH SHIT! There�s a world map. Where am I going, there�s a big motherfucking castle I can�t go into. It�s level 3, I can�t go in there. Oh shit there�s dudes in the windows.

A: WHAT?

P: Level 1. Oh yes (takes down level 1) Fucking slug monster. You can�t handle me (takes them out )

P: Oh shit. (dies) I jut got eaten by a fucking slug monster. (He continues to get the shaft from a porcupine shooting spikes)

A: Sooting, I laugh at my own typo.

P: It�s�.y-yyou can�t avoid th fucking shit balls. (groan)

P: I can�t get that on down there�..

A: you can block that shit. (He continues to struggle on floor 5)

P: I�m an idiot, I�m a cunt bag. (A reasonable response to another death)

P: I still don�t understand why I�m Lala! Who am I saving?

A: Lolo?

P: No, he�s waiting outside.

(A roommate offers advice�..which leads to another death)

P: Oh, that�s pretty gay. I almost got smoked by an armadillo.

P: O hit I�m out of egg�.gunk.

(We argue over how he could have gotten out of it�..he commits suicide)

(A long silence)

(A winner is him)

A: What the fuck is this?

P: Aright, level 1 of Adventures of Lolo 3 has been completed�CAn I switch to Lolo?

P: Fuck me (Yet another genius death, followed by another)

(and another)

P: Alright, I�m pretty stupid.

A: Come on now.

P: (death, followed by a deep breath and a quick soft reset)

Adventures of Lolo (list in alphabetical order)

H: The main character�s name in Lufia II will be Drugs.

A: Wrap it up

A: These are the exact same graphics.

P: June used to play this one all the time.

A: �Them ducks keeps gettin� me�

P: That dragon looks really happy.

A: He�s probably on Meth. Oh shit me�.oh wake up (to a sleeping enemy) SUicide! The Lufia II music is awesome. Adventures of Lolo is fuckin� bomb dig. Lolo is drunk�

P: What would a blue puffball drink?

A: Mint Julip.

P: Mint Julip? Why?

A: Don�t you know anything about Physics? My theory is, Skinner likes dog food. Suicide time. Eat it. Oooh stairs.

P: Apparently �this is not the end of the battle� Game over.

Adventures of Rad Gravity

P: OH THIS GUY IS RAD! LOOK AT THAT JERRY CURL!

(Apparently there is planet Siberia that has teleproters that Rad Gravity needs to get to �continue his quest�)

P: Fuck I upped the frame rate.

P: That guy�s arm is swinging around AWFUL fast. Alright I cant hurt him, whatever.

P: The enemies are actually moving to the beat of the music, they are getting down. Rad Gravity is so rad that his punches split people into 4 parts.

(Dies)

P: Oh that is NOT RAD at all.

P: I can�t go down to the planet Effluvia.

A: How do you spell Effluvia?

P: Back to Siberia. Oh, this�this is epic.

P: Oh�OH!(Avoiding the barrage of twirling fists)

P: THAT GUY IS FLOATING! And I just fucked him up.

P: OH YEAH, I just killed the arm guy. The floating guy looks lik he is wearing a moo moo and has floating legs and his moo moo is levitating him.

P: Aww my score just sky rocketed for some reason/

P: Mu mu is m-u m-u.

A: Whatever.

P: Rad Gravity is too Rad for me.

Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

A: I�m whippin� bombs

P: Boris looks like a pedophile.

A: Yeah I�d jump his bones.

P: Bullwinkle looks like he�s in blackface when he dies .

A: I wish Snidley fuckin� Titlash would go away

P: It�s not Snidley Whiplash�that�s Dudley Dooright�s Archnemesis

Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Too epic for words.

A: We should make nachos soon.

P: You got fucked by a fatass.

P: I have a red hat an you have white hat. Oh fuck i got smoked by a barrel�.ohhh�Im crying over my homework.

P: That fat ass jumps when you jump�.and that�s game over.

A: I gotta piss.

Advanced Dungeons: Dragon Strike

P: Oh, we have a message on our Wii?

P: Do I want a gold silver or bronze dragon. What�s h for? Hard on? I�m gonna go with a gold dragon. Select difficulty�.yeah, Hard.

P: How is this a dungeons and dragon�s game? Where are the dungeons?

A: How are you still surviving on hard?

P: I�m just fucking flying around. Alright�.apparently dragon�s spring when they die.

A: Your keyboard sucks.

P: Your mom sucks.

P: Ok! I actually got one.

A: Why did you just become big?

P: Because I�m flying low and high�..and I died again. Alright this game is trash.

AD&D: Heroes of the Lance

P: Oh�there�s 4 AD&D games�.and they�re all shit

A: Goldmoon? Sturm? Riverwind? Tanis? TASSLEHOFF?

P: Don�t Tassle the Hoff.

A: Flint, Caramon, Raistlin �.Oh shit�

P: You picked Raistland

H: This game is trash you�re gonna go nowhere fast.

A: Whatever that bitch�s name was, she�s dead. I think I�m FLint now�I just stabbed that person and they exploded�Look at this dance. (ducks and un-ducks repeatredly). Yang from FF4 is kicking my in the shins�.(various invectives�..lots of swearing) Oh I got a guy. Yang is still here though.

P: When he gets hit it looks like he�s thrusting his pelvis �

A: I�m surrounded�Yangs are hard to kill

P: I think you�ve survived long in this game than anyone who�s played it�

A: I�m gonna axe this guy in the knees�.. how am I still alive

P: You�re down to your last guy�

A: I�m pretty sure I�ve been going in circles�.this is the worst game I�ve ever played�

P: This music is a hot jam though.

A: Oh I died.

AD&D: Hillsfar

A: Why would you ride a character?

P: Generate a character. Alright I�m going hafling. Female halfling. (I would like to point out at this time, that the plethora of classes in this game (for a female hafling) tops an insurmountable Fighter, Theif, and the all time favorite�.the Fighter-Theif)

P: OH, alignment. Obviously Chaotic Evil.

A: Name her something stupid. (He proceeds to name her �Shitcock, the female halfling, chaotic evil, fighter-theif.)

P: Saving character�.

P: SHITCOCK!

P: Apparently I don�t know the controls.

A: That is one slow ass gravity horse.

P: No check it I�m in a gallop. (We laugh as he bails off his horse in a pit) (He arrives at the city of �Hillsfar�)

(There was nothing there)

P: Explore and exit before you are discovered. (He proceeds to enter and try to pick a locked door He failed as somehow none of the keys worked.) (He tries another door and reailizes he broke them all on the first chest)

P: Alright�we�re done.

AD&D Pool of Radience

A: Baba O�Reilly is the theme song. I will be a Female Elf Fight/Magic User/ Thief �.Chaotic Neutral

P: Strength 15�not bad

A: Name�.Shitcock will fit�.I�m gonna have to go with SHITCOCK�Nice grammar videogame�

P: Environ�go to Environ

A: Begin Adventure! A man approaches�I�m Rolf�

(The game is a 1st person RPG with shit-brown colouring)

A: I�m done.

After Burner

A: Helllllloooo

P: Yes! Top-down shmup!

A: No! 3D!

(Behind the back fighter jet game)

A: I�m crashed into�I�m gonna assume the Pacific

(With �Pacific� we reached 1337 words�we are leet.)

A: I�m getting a headache watching this.

AirWolf

P: This is going to be wicked. Ok, your general is a guy with an eyepatch by the looks of it�.or a really poorly shaded face. What was that? The graphics are terrible. Apparently I can�t let these people down.

A: Holy Fuck. That shit�s intense

P: I�m shooting tumours. I died. LOOK YOU MISSED IT AGAIN! Wait for it, it looks like a lamb on top of a wolf, on top of a native�totem�.. I think I�m killing my guys�yeah I am, and more tumours.

A: I can�t wait to see that llama shit. (he dies) WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

P: Where is my health? There it is�.oh that�s pretty stupid.

P: HOT JAMS (bouncing in time with the monotonous tick tick tick of the gun shots)

P: LOW FUEL? Nobody told me I had to refuel.

P: Alright we�re done.

Air Fortress

P: YOu are approaching the first air fortress�.alright that�s cool, can I play? Oh yes, bring it on assholes.

P: So I look like a gay spaceman uhhhh�riding a surfboard�in space. And I�m shooting spinning capitol Is.

P: Oh, I�m getting of my..surfboard. YOu are now entering the air fortress.

A: What the Christ?

A: Did you die?

P: Nope, I�m going further into the air fortress.

A: You have a jetpack?

P: Yeah.

A: You can kill those.

P: I guess so.

P: But killing the cylin�oh I can�t kill the cylinders�.This is actually not terrible.

A: Kill that moth. ( he does so, and gets an �E� which I can only assume is Ecstacy, the drug)

P: I believe I have reached a dead end. Oh no, ok. Alrigh that�s mother brain apparently. (I laugh at the resemblence)

P: Alright I killed motherbrain. aaaand now I�m fighting the eye of Sauron.

P: And it doesn�t do anything Woah I killed it, everything�s dark and the music has changed, AND I GOT MY SURFBOARD BACK. FUCK!! (He is speeding through a tunnel)

P: I beat the first Air Fortress, yeah that was fucking wicked.

P: Awwww a windmill killed me.

A: ahahah

P: Ohhh�.game over? Oh no Aright moving on. Ar Fortress is actually not terrible.

Alfred Chicken

A: I thought this was on the SNES

P: It was on everything

H: There�s a Super Mario World hack that uses these graphics

A: Oh come on I jumped and fluttered, what more do you want? I died at the first�let�s try this again. I got it now. Don�t worry, crisis averted.

P: It�s almost midnight and we�re not through the A�s�

A: Do you have to like power up your jumps or something? Come on Alfred Chicken �.You bastard get up on that cheese. The first level consists of a block of cheese you can�t jump over. What does that balloon do. That I would actually like to know. And that fucking mouse got me again.

So apparently this game is impossible�.what did I just do? I can totally�I tried to dive peck him but it didn�t work.

(Kills first enemy with a dive peck)

50 points bitches! That balloon apparently does nothing. This game would be wicked if I could figure out how the jumping system worked.

Alien 3

P: That is one DRIPPING alien. So, b is jump and a is gun, that is highly unintuitive. Well, and Alien killed me. Nope ust knocked me down��.oh it knocked me down again.

P: It makes a �you�re dead noise� every time you get knocked down. You clearly have a life meter. That�s annoying. I only have 30 bullets left.

A: This looks like Contra

P: Ehhh, it�s kind of a free roaming contra.

P: I think I�ve hit a dead end. I have grenades (A sudden realisation)

P: �..and a flamethrower, and a gun, which is out of bullets, and a�shotgun I guess? And�grenades. Ummm, still at a dead end.

A: There you go climb up the ladder.

P: This is where I came from. UH! Ok, now we�re making some progress. (after a switch reveals a path)

P: If you hold jump, he keeps jumping.

P: Apparently I�ve rescued 2 p-�time up, you failed to rescue�.well then, moving on.

Alien Syndrome

P: I got Process Cheese Product on my computer.

A: That you did.

A: Alien Syndrome...