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A totally random evening

Below you will find a partial transcript of an evening a couple of years ago where one of my brothers and I sat down to play a bunch of games. At the time we decided to liveblog our experience. The blog it used to be on is long since dead, so I figured I'd post it here for posterity's sake. There's really nothing remotely intelligent or terribly funny in here.

P represents me, A represents my brother, and H is our roommate who chimes in occasionally. We really intended to play through the entire collection of ROMs, but never did get through the A's.

Our story thus far…

Heroes A and P have embarked on an epic journey to play every ROM on a massive NES Dreamcast ROM disc. Starting at 9:30 pm on Friday Feb. 29th, 2008, it is currently 10:42 pm, and they have progressed to The Adventures of Lolo 2. Let’s look in…

P: Lolo has really fuckin’ big eyes. And he’s cross-eyed!

A: There’s probably something I’m not doing here…. That fuckin’ armadillo is gonna get free…Trapped! trapped motherfucker. Oh I can walk over the chest. Very good.

P: Some beer might have to be had.

A: WHAT?! WRAP IT UP? (of an unceremonious death). That’s what she said.

P: Alright moving on…(A takes over blog).

P: Alright, Adventures of Lolo 3. OH SHIT! There’s a world map. Where am I going, there’s a big motherfucking castle I can’t go into. It’s level 3, I can’t go in there. Oh shit there’s dudes in the windows.


P: Level 1. Oh yes (takes down level 1) Fucking slug monster. You can’t handle me (takes them out )

P: Oh shit. (dies) I jut got eaten by a fucking slug monster. (He continues to get the shaft from a porcupine shooting spikes)

A: Sooting, I laugh at my own typo.

P: It’s….y-yyou can’t avoid th fucking shit balls. (groan)

P: I can’t get that on down there…..

A: you can block that shit. (He continues to struggle on floor 5)

P: I’m an idiot, I’m a cunt bag. (A reasonable response to another death)

P: I still don’t understand why I’m Lala! Who am I saving?

A: Lolo?

P: No, he’s waiting outside.

(A roommate offers advice…..which leads to another death)

P: Oh, that’s pretty gay. I almost got smoked by an armadillo.

P: O hit I’m out of egg….gunk.

(We argue over how he could have gotten out of it…..he commits suicide)

(A long silence)

(A winner is him)

A: What the fuck is this?

P: Aright, level 1 of Adventures of Lolo 3 has been completed…CAn I switch to Lolo?

P: Fuck me (Yet another genius death, followed by another)

(and another)

P: Alright, I’m pretty stupid.

A: Come on now.

P: (death, followed by a deep breath and a quick soft reset)

Adventures of Lolo (list in alphabetical order)

H: The main character’s name in Lufia II will be Drugs.

A: Wrap it up

A: These are the exact same graphics.

P: June used to play this one all the time.

A: “Them ducks keeps gettin’ me”

P: That dragon looks really happy.

A: He’s probably on Meth. Oh shit me….oh wake up (to a sleeping enemy) SUicide! The Lufia II music is awesome. Adventures of Lolo is fuckin’ bomb dig. Lolo is drunk…

P: What would a blue puffball drink?

A: Mint Julip.

P: Mint Julip? Why?

A: Don’t you know anything about Physics? My theory is, Skinner likes dog food. Suicide time. Eat it. Oooh stairs.

P: Apparently “this is not the end of the battle” Game over.

Adventures of Rad Gravity


(Apparently there is planet Siberia that has teleproters that Rad Gravity needs to get to “continue his quest”)

P: Fuck I upped the frame rate.

P: That guy’s arm is swinging around AWFUL fast. Alright I cant hurt him, whatever.

P: The enemies are actually moving to the beat of the music, they are getting down. Rad Gravity is so rad that his punches split people into 4 parts.


P: Oh that is NOT RAD at all.

P: I can’t go down to the planet Effluvia.

A: How do you spell Effluvia?

P: Back to Siberia. Oh, this…this is epic.

P: Oh…OH!(Avoiding the barrage of twirling fists)

P: THAT GUY IS FLOATING! And I just fucked him up.

P: OH YEAH, I just killed the arm guy. The floating guy looks lik he is wearing a moo moo and has floating legs and his moo moo is levitating him.

P: Aww my score just sky rocketed for some reason/

P: Mu mu is m-u m-u.

A: Whatever.

P: Rad Gravity is too Rad for me.

Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

A: I’m whippin’ bombs

P: Boris looks like a pedophile.

A: Yeah I’d jump his bones.

P: Bullwinkle looks like he’s in blackface when he dies .

A: I wish Snidley fuckin’ Titlash would go away

P: It’s not Snidley Whiplash…that’s Dudley Dooright’s Archnemesis

Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Too epic for words.

A: We should make nachos soon.

P: You got fucked by a fatass.

P: I have a red hat an you have white hat. Oh fuck i got smoked by a barrel….ohhh…Im crying over my homework.

P: That fat ass jumps when you jump….and that’s game over.

A: I gotta piss.

Advanced Dungeons: Dragon Strike

P: Oh, we have a message on our Wii?

P: Do I want a gold silver or bronze dragon. What’s h for? Hard on? I’m gonna go with a gold dragon. Select difficulty….yeah, Hard.

P: How is this a dungeons and dragon’s game? Where are the dungeons?

A: How are you still surviving on hard?

P: I’m just fucking flying around. Alright….apparently dragon’s spring when they die.

A: Your keyboard sucks.

P: Your mom sucks.

P: Ok! I actually got one.

A: Why did you just become big?

P: Because I’m flying low and high…..and I died again. Alright this game is trash.

AD&D: Heroes of the Lance

P: Oh…there’s 4 AD&D games….and they’re all shit

A: Goldmoon? Sturm? Riverwind? Tanis? TASSLEHOFF?

P: Don’t Tassle the Hoff.

A: Flint, Caramon, Raistlin ….Oh shit…

P: You picked Raistland

H: This game is trash you’re gonna go nowhere fast.

A: Whatever that bitch’s name was, she’s dead. I think I’m FLint now…I just stabbed that person and they exploded…Look at this dance. (ducks and un-ducks repeatredly). Yang from FF4 is kicking my in the shins….(various invectives…..lots of swearing) Oh I got a guy. Yang is still here though.

P: When he gets hit it looks like he’s thrusting his pelvis …

A: I’m surrounded…Yangs are hard to kill

P: I think you’ve survived long in this game than anyone who’s played it…

A: I’m gonna axe this guy in the knees….. how am I still alive

P: You’re down to your last guy…

A: I”m pretty sure I’ve been going in circles….this is the worst game I’ve ever played…

P: This music is a hot jam though.

A: Oh I died.

AD&D: Hillsfar

A: Why would you ride a character?

P: Generate a character. Alright I’m going hafling. Female halfling. (I would like to point out at this time, that the plethora of classes in this game (for a female hafling) tops an insurmountable Fighter, Theif, and the all time favorite….the Fighter-Theif)

P: OH, alignment. Obviously Chaotic Evil.

A: Name her something stupid. (He proceeds to name her “Shitcock, the female halfling, chaotic evil, fighter-theif.)

P: Saving character….


P: Apparently I don’t know the controls.

A: That is one slow ass gravity horse.

P: No check it I’m in a gallop. (We laugh as he bails off his horse in a pit) (He arrives at the city of “Hillsfar”)

(There was nothing there)

P: Explore and exit before you are discovered. (He proceeds to enter and try to pick a locked door He failed as somehow none of the keys worked.) (He tries another door and reailizes he broke them all on the first chest)

P: Alright…we’re done.

AD&D Pool of Radience

A: Baba O’Reilly is the theme song. I will be a Female Elf Fight/Magic User/ Thief ….Chaotic Neutral

P: Strength 15…not bad

A: Name….Shitcock will fit….I’m gonna have to go with SHITCOCK…Nice grammar videogame…

P: Environ…go to Environ

A: Begin Adventure! A man approaches…I’m Rolf…

(The game is a 1st person RPG with shit-brown colouring)

A: I’m done.

After Burner

A: Helllllloooo

P: Yes! Top-down shmup!

A: No! 3D!

(Behind the back fighter jet game)

A: I’m crashed into…I’m gonna assume the Pacific

(With “Pacific” we reached 1337 words…we are leet.)

A: I’m getting a headache watching this.


P: This is going to be wicked. Ok, your general is a guy with an eyepatch by the looks of it….or a really poorly shaded face. What was that? The graphics are terrible. Apparently I can’t let these people down.

A: Holy Fuck. That shit’s intense

P: I’m shooting tumours. I died. LOOK YOU MISSED IT AGAIN! Wait for it, it looks like a lamb on top of a wolf, on top of a native…totem….. I think I’m killing my guys…yeah I am, and more tumours.

A: I can’t wait to see that llama shit. (he dies) WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

P: Where is my health? There it is….oh that’s pretty stupid.

P: HOT JAMS (bouncing in time with the monotonous tick tick tick of the gun shots)

P: LOW FUEL? Nobody told me I had to refuel.

P: Alright we’re done.

Air Fortress

P: YOu are approaching the first air fortress….alright that’s cool, can I play? Oh yes, bring it on assholes.

P: So I look like a gay spaceman uhhhh…riding a surfboard…in space. And I’m shooting spinning capitol Is.

P: Oh, I’m getting of my..surfboard. YOu are now entering the air fortress.

A: What the Christ?

A: Did you die?

P: Nope, I’m going further into the air fortress.

A: You have a jetpack?

P: Yeah.

A: You can kill those.

P: I guess so.

P: But killing the cylin…oh I can’t kill the cylinders….This is actually not terrible.

A: Kill that moth. ( he does so, and gets an “E” which I can only assume is Ecstacy, the drug)

P: I believe I have reached a dead end. Oh no, ok. Alrigh that’s mother brain apparently. (I laugh at the resemblence)

P: Alright I killed motherbrain. aaaand now I’m fighting the eye of Sauron.

P: And it doesn’t do anything Woah I killed it, everything’s dark and the music has changed, AND I GOT MY SURFBOARD BACK. FUCK!! (He is speeding through a tunnel)

P: I beat the first Air Fortress, yeah that was fucking wicked.

P: Awwww a windmill killed me.

A: ahahah

P: Ohhh….game over? Oh no Aright moving on. Ar Fortress is actually not terrible.

Alfred Chicken

A: I thought this was on the SNES

P: It was on everything

H: There’s a Super Mario World hack that uses these graphics

A: Oh come on I jumped and fluttered, what more do you want? I died at the first…let’s try this again. I got it now. Don’t worry, crisis averted.

P: It’s almost midnight and we’re not through the A’s…

A: Do you have to like power up your jumps or something? Come on Alfred Chicken ….You bastard get up on that cheese. The first level consists of a block of cheese you can’t jump over. What does that balloon do. That I would actually like to know. And that fucking mouse got me again.

So apparently this game is impossible….what did I just do? I can totally…I tried to dive peck him but it didn’t work.

(Kills first enemy with a dive peck)

50 points bitches! That balloon apparently does nothing. This game would be wicked if I could figure out how the jumping system worked.

Alien 3

P: That is one DRIPPING alien. So, b is jump and a is gun, that is highly unintuitive. Well, and Alien killed me. Nope ust knocked me down…….oh it knocked me down again.

P: It makes a “you’re dead noise” every time you get knocked down. You clearly have a life meter. That’s annoying. I only have 30 bullets left.

A: This looks like Contra

P: Ehhh, it’s kind of a free roaming contra.

P: I think I’ve hit a dead end. I have grenades (A sudden realisation)

P: …..and a flamethrower, and a gun, which is out of bullets, and a…shotgun I guess? And…grenades. Ummm, still at a dead end.

A: There you go climb up the ladder.

P: This is where I came from. UH! Ok, now we’re making some progress. (after a switch reveals a path)

P: If you hold jump, he keeps jumping.

P: Apparently I’ve rescued 2 p-…time up, you failed to rescue….well then, moving on.

Alien Syndrome

P: I got Process Cheese Product on my computer.

A: That you did.

A: Alien Syndrome...
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About ThePhilone of us since 6:12 PM on 09.08.2008

A substitute teacher with a huge backlog and more time on his hands than he would like. Let's see what happens.
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