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I suck at games: D/o/t/A: Die/odible/tabanid/Asshole


[All of the above quotes were actually said to me at one point in time whilst attempting to learn DotA]

Defense of the Ancients has become a national pastime for gamers: and all of it spawned out of a simple modification for Warcraft III. Taking the focus off waging war as the commander of an army, you are placed within the role of a single entity: a summoner. The common misconception is that since you only have to control one unit, it would be much easier than micromanaging platoons. This fallacy nearly cost me my self esteem, folks.

Since it's initial explosion, "DotA" has evolved into an incredibly popular niche game, and garnered a community of thousands: from strategy enthusiasts to general gamers. However, after just two days of experience with DotA, I concluded that it did not actually stand for "Defense of the Ancients", but instead:

DotA: Die, odible, tabanid asshole!

Def: odible
"worthy of hatred" [due to the player's ineptitude]

"blood-sucking insect" [the player is sucking his team dry of resources]

In DotA, a new player can effectively change the tide of an entire match. By "feeding" the other team with the glorious rewards of free experience points and riches upon death: all it takes is one "noob" to bring an hour long standstill of a game to a screeching halt. Then, the insults fly...hard. But before any of this happens, many gamers have engaged in a predictable step by step pattern after becoming intrigued by the notion of a "simpler" strategy game.

From cordial prospect to prospective cord hanging:

1) Hearing about DotA everyday all day, they inquire as to what it is, and instantly are engaged by the prospect of team play.

2) They log in to their first DotA game, aptly labeled "noobs only" [sounds inviting, yes?], and assume that it actually is a "new players only" game.

3) The player is shunned and ridiculed after his first death: his sexuality brought into question, and the moral dilemma of whether or not his parents should have had an abortion is put on the table. The player is a jaded shell of his former self, and vows never to play DotA ever again.

At least, these are my experiences. But, with a little help from my friends, I found out there is still hope for the soon-to-be suicide watch gamer.


Find other people to enjoy the game with, and play private matches, until they inevitably rise above your skill level


Stop playing DotA, and go back to Warcraft III (noob)

Ok, so those really aren't options. As you can clearly see, the situation looked pretty bleak, until only recently. The newly developed League of Legends has attempted to break down the barriers of entry with a simplistic "tips" system for individual characters, and custom tailored items for each player to choose from.

However, underneath it's welcoming exterior is a massive superhighway of rune combinations, skill trees, and advanced tactics that will absolutely fly right over the head of casual gamers.

While I am improving, unless I dedicate three lifetimes to the genre, I have no hope of actually becoming a deciding factor in any battle, and will be forced to play with more forgiving close friends for the rest of my dying days. Considering I'm adept in just about every other genre, my inability to actually become a better player is a perplexing dilemma.

So, fellow DotA bloodsuckers everywhere: unite! Someday, we will be a forced to be reckoned with after our years of hiding beneath the Earth's crust in our private games, and then: "they" will feed us.
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About Chris Carterone of us since 3:56 PM on 01.05.2009

Chris has been enjoying Destructoid avidly since 2008. He finally decided to take the next step, make an account, and start blogging in January of 2009. Now, he's staff!


Twitter - @DtoidChris

I'm married, and I've been playing games since I was 4. I still remember buying my own NES system at Sears and going home and playing Mario/Duck Hunt. Fast forward to the present, my wife and I now own a PS4, Xbox One, and Wii U.

If I had to choose a system I had the "best times" with, it would be a two way tie between the Sega Dreamcast and Sony Playstation 2. My favorite game series is Mega Man Classic, but I own every Metal Gear, Devil May Cry, Zelda, Kingdom Hearts, Wario, Tony Hawk, main series Final Fantasy, and Resident Evil game ever released in the US (and a lot more), so it's a close call!

There are too many good games out to count now, but I'm always itching to play my backlog of old PS2 action titles. I'll play anything and everything action-adventure, so if you have a game in mind, drop me a line! I have strong opinions regarding the financial decisions of many publishers, but at the end of the day, I'm willing to give anything a chance; especially if it comes recommended by a community member.

Oh; and in 2012 I started contributing to Destructoid.

Currently backed upcoming crowdfunding projects:

Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night

Shenmue III

I also backed the Tiny Cartridge Patreon in 2014 for several months, but no longer back any gaming personality Patreon campaigns currently


Here is my story, from my humble beginnings as a c-blogger.

Carter's Quests (previously Magnalon's Quest):

2011 - Zelda
2012 - Resident Evil
2012 - Tony Hawk
2012 - Kingdom Hearts
2012 - Wario
2013 - Mega Man Classic
2013 - Devil May Cry
2013 - Mega Man X
2013 - God of War
2013 - Metroid
2014 - Diablo
2015 - Batman: Arkham
2018 - Souls/Dark Souls

Future - Pokemon
Future - Splinter Cell
Future - Mega Man Spinoffs
Future - Elder Scrolls
Future - Mario
Future - Platinum Games
Future - Kirby
Future - Clover
Future - Castlevania
Future - Metal Gear
Future - Tenchu
Future - Ninja Gaiden
Future - Onimusha
Future - Ape Escape
Future - Disgaea
Future - Twisted Metal
Future - Deception


Promoted (before I was staff):

Playing with Others: Phantasy Star Offline

Magnalon's quest to beat every Zelda in 2011

Tips for Securing Your Xbox Live Account


My top 20 games (in no particular order):

Resident Evil 5
Fallout: New Vegas
Dragon Age: Origins
Demon's Souls
Skies of Arcadia
Lunar 1 and 2
World of Warcraft: All Expansions
Super Mario Galaxy 2
Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3
Tenchu 2
Devil May Cry 3
Phantasy Star Online
Ape Escape 1
Rockman & Forte (Mega Man & Bass)
God Hand
Jet Set Radio Future
Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch
Donkey Kong Country 2
Final Fantasy Tactics


God of War (2018)
Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Bayonetta 2
NieR: Automata
Guilty Gear Xrd
Mario Kart 8
Gravity Rush 2
Dark Souls III
Shovel Knight
D4: Dark Dreams Don't Die
Uncharted II
Yo-Kai Watch
Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain
Ori and the Blind Forest
Resident Evil: Revelations 2
Dark Souls II
Deception IV: Blood Ties
South Park: The Stick of Truth
Strider (2014)
Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy
The Wolf Among Us
Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag
Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare 2
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze
Super Mario 3D World
Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon
Dead Rising 3
The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker HD
Pokemon X & Y
Super Mario 3D World
Grand Theft Auto V
Dragon's Crown
Gravity Rush
Dragon's Dogma
Persona 4 Golden
Pokemon Silver
Tomb Raider (2013)
Brave Fencer Musashi
Shenmue II
Dark Cloud
Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
Asura's Wrath
Mutant Mudds
Far Cry 3
Binding of Isaac
Kingdoms Of Amalur: Reckoning
Zone of the Enders 2
Kid Icarus: Uprising
God of War 2
Batman: Arkham City
Kingdom Hearts II
Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance
Diablo II
Diablo III
Dust: An Elysian Tail
Tomb Raider II
Metal Gear Solid 4
Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood
Zombies At My Neighbors
Super Bomberman 2
Mass Effect
Mass Effect 2
Mass Effect 3
Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2
Tony Hawk's Underground 2
Onimusha 3
The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Ninja Gaiden Black (Xbox)
Power Stone 2
No More Heroes 2
Ultima Online
Aladdin SNES
Super Punch-Out!!
Demon's Crest
Secret of Mana
Shadow of the Colossus
Borderlands 2
Final Fantasy IV
Final Fantasy X
Super Mario RPG
Super Mario 64
Super Mario World
Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island
Super Mario Galaxy 2
Super Mario 3D Land
Mega Man 8
The Lost Vikings
Bujingai: The Forsaken City
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
Odin Sphere
Donkey Kong Country
Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence
Call of Duty: World at War
Chrono Trigger
Call of Duty: Black Ops
Half Minute Hero
Kirby Super Star
Super Meat Boy
Jamestown: Legend of the Lost Colony
L.A. Noire
Outland (XBLA/PSN)
Shantae: Risky's Revenge
Mighty Flip Champs
Child of Eden
Kirby's Dream Course
Shadows of the Damned
Knights of the Old Republic (KOTOR)
Rayman: Origins


The following are a few beloved fictional characters, compliments of SuitcoatAvenger

-My favorite video game character of all time: Magic Emperor Ghaleon.

-Legato Bluesummers from Trigun: classic villain.

-Although obscure, Zero Beat is among my favorites.

-My original avatar.