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Those About To Die: Slaughtering Greek Mythology


I have always had an admiration for Greek Mythology and the history of different Greek Gods. I researched it in school and not a day would pass where I would wonder what it would be like to live in that sort of world.

What if I were to stumble upon the gates of Hades and be face-to-face with a snarling, teeth-baring Cerberus, the three-headed beast? Would I be a mere mortal or a legendary creature that was either feared or adored by all? How awesome of a world would it be to feed Minotaurs, have sex with Nymphs, ride Griffins and avoid Sirens like the present-day Detroit hooker? A world where you were sent out on missions to exterminate swarms of importunate Harpies, everpresent Undeads, sexy Gorgons and other creatures along the way. Of course, between all of the battling, have a traditional break for a quick threesome with two hot women.

I wanted to experience this world and I don't know about you but Disney's Hercules didn't quite do it for me. What did throw me into this wonderful, fabled universe was God of War.

I found myself in the greaves of Kratos, wielding the cursed Blades of Chaos, staring down the Undead who are ready to rip me limb from limb... If they are quick enough. Battling under a sky that burns obsidian black, I was forced to take out the walking skeletons by (button mashing) hacking and slashing them. After several dismembered spines and shattered skulls in only a matter of a few minutes, I was hooked on annihilation. Swinging the fiery blades around to slice up enemies is so much more fun than it sounds. The sound of the chains attached to the Blades, slamming into them is just exhilarating.

With the stench of blood and death filling my lungs and broken bones of the weak Undead underneath my feet, I made my way inside of the damaged ship to get some health. Just when I thought it was safe in the narrow corridor, I had the pleasant surprise of meeting with one of the many heads of the Hydra. The reptile-like monster screeches at me through teeth that are thicker than my torso and snaps at me like a five-hundred ton Pitbull.

I remember when I was first playing this I was thinking "No way I have to fight this thing so early in the game..." Then I noticed the boss health bar at the bottom of my screen...

Drastically, I swing my blades to strike the foe right in the face. Every enemy that dared to stand before me before was eradicated; Why should this Hydra be any different? The creature lets out another gutteral roar and snaps his jaw again. Too slow for Kratos. I jump out of his reach and bring the Blades down upon him again. The creature's eyes burn with primal hunger. Drenched in blood and gore from the fallen, I would be the perfect snack for him. I wouldn't let it go down like that.

Of course, not so early into the game.

One third of his life is gone and suddenly, boom, he drops his head. What's this, fierce Hydra, are you too weak to battle me? Just when I think this is my chance to lay some quick hard hits on the beast, a button combination appears. Taking what appears to be my only chance, I impale the mongrel's head and slam it into the side of the corridor. I continue to do it until the Hydra drops it's head again in defeat. Oh ho, but I'm not done with it just yet.

The gloriously green triangle button appears over the Hydras head and Kratos leaps onto his snout, raising both Blades of Chaos high above him and plummets them into the iris of the sea monster. He roars a pathetic sound of defeat and pulls his head away from Kratos in angered fear. He's not dead but I'll deal with him later.

God of War was the first game to throw quick button combinations at me to execute amazing ways to take down my enemies. I love this series to death and will never forget this first epic battle with, one of the nine, Hydra heads. This game really threw me into the action and made me feel all high and mighty early on. There was no ten minute tutorial on pulling off combos. I had to fend for myself and get the hell out of that damaged ship before I would be swimming with the fishes. Little did I know that there would be even bigger beasts that I had to annihilate later in the game (and in the series) but at that exact moment that I knew I had to fight the Hydra, I was scared, exhilarated and giddy to take it down. I was ready for the challenge and I succeeded.
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About RiotMonsterone of us since 8:35 PM on 02.11.2008


How's it hanging nerdlings, geekettes, /b/asement-dwellers, stoners, web monkeys, indie devs, lurkers, trolls & industry fat cats?~

In case you don't know a lick about me, I joined Destructoid quite a few sunsets ago in the early Spring of 2008, when someone from the Internet kindly informed me that Destructoid would "eat your unborn babies". Having an insatiable taste for mucus-covered, unborn babies, I knew what I had to do. Plus, people were like "WHAT THE @#$% YOU TALKING BOUT MAN?!1! WE GOT XBOX AND PLAYSTATION BITCH NIGGAH!!1!" Naturally, I was in. Since then I lurke your forums, read your c-blawgs, listen to your podcasts and lul silently. Also, cocks.


Like most people, I have a wide range of interests. I adore anything from goofy people, offensive jokes, zombie flicks, stand-up comedians, and mind-altering experiences, to comic books, sexual positivity, philosophy, mysteries, and general bizarreness.

Also, I'm a die-hard gamer and I have an animated eagerness for spilling pixelated blood and a never-ending appetite for slaughtering moving polygons. I like to think of myself as a fairly laid-back broad. I was born with a sarcastic mindset, dark sense of humor, and an uttermost weakness for impassioned babble sessions about any video game (8-bit to 1080p) to date. I may be unorganized, immature, and irresponsible but Iím the funnest chick youíll have the chance to get teamed up with on xbox live.

You might spot me at any olí party with my signature tangled hair, ripped Hello Kitty pajama pants, and a battle-worn shirt. The girl who's most likely flapping her tongue, detailing the last minute curb stomp in her freshest match, growling about big corporations and government conspiracies, exploring the concept of eccentric theories or geeking out about some other irrelevant crap. The girl who strives to learn something new every day and genuinely enjoys turning strangers into friends.

That pathetic excuse for the girl next door, is me. If Iím not your cup of tea, you can not imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give.

Bullets, babes & bombs,

Last bit!~
Honestly, if you ever happen to have a hankering to just chill, blast some good jams & relish in lighthearted, videogame-related, blood-spraying with me... Hit me up. Shoot me a message if you want to talk about anything at all really, I'm a bit of an open book and not a bad listener, if I do say so myself. And hey~ If you let me, Iíll cheerfully put a couple of spiffy dreadlocks in your hair.


Atari 2600
Super NES
Nintendo 64
Nintendo GameCube
Nintendo DS Lite [Own]
Nintendo DSi
Nintendo Wii
Game Boy Original
Game Boy Color
Game Boy Pocket [Own]
Game Boy Advance SP
Sony PS2 Slim
Sony PSP
Sony PS3 [Own]
Sega Genesis
Sega Saturn
Sega Dreamcast
Xbox 360 Elite
Xbox 360 Arcade
Xbox 360 Slim [Own]


Action Role-playing
First-person Shooter
Third-person Shooter


It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia


Beer Pong

My Halo Days

Destructoids' Resident Bad Asses

Destructoids's Comic Artist Mikey, because of my severe addiction to the Dtoid forums, he made me an Easter Egg once. :)

MOMerator Zodiac Eclipse, because she owns SO HARD for this. (Bongette or Bob-ong)

Phallus Knife Fight drew this and it's fuckin EXCELLENT.

Epic-bearded Samurai Y0j1mb0 made me this because we're going to get hammered one of these days.

Xbox LIVE:The Kush Kitten
PSN ID:TheKushKitten


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