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Riot Monster

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Xbox Live doesn't mind mutual masturbation.

Being in a long distance relationship is hard. Aren't you tired of all your lonely nights, wishing you could be with the one you love who resides far far away in Kentucky? Frustrated with the cold nights of masturbating, using your tears as your own lubricant? Annoyed at the fact that your female next-door-neighbor isn't hanging out her panties to dry since they became mysteriously missing?
Well now you don't have to!!

The people over at Xbox Live & game developer, Entrager have been there and they have bestowed a game upon us called Remote Masseuse.

This is straight from the official game description on Xbox.com:
Take control of someone else's controller to give them a soothing "massage", either locally or over Xbox Live. Solo mode lets you use your own controller to "relax". Different vibration settings allow you to give the "massage" you want to give or receive. Supports voice chat so you can request the perfect massage. Great for long distance relationships.

(Ok, I may or may not have added the quotation marks.)

Just in time for Valentines Day. It'll cost you 200 MS points to get your lover squirming via her pink Xbox 360 controller. Although if massive "massage" orgies are your thing, unfortunately, this is only for up to 2 players. D'awwww.. I guess we can't have everything.

Well, at least we won't have to hear any more horror stories about XBL pedophiles stalking preteen boys and girls anymore. Now they can just "toggle their joystick" at home and also get their lovers off 10,000,000 miles away!! How convenient.

Honestly, I just don't see why anyone would want to taint their poor Xbox 360 controller with such sin. Then again, I'm sure plenty of people strap condoms on their Wii remotes so I shouldn't be that shocked, I suppose. I'm not sure who would actually purchase this game but I don't doubt that people will.

In an interview with Media Whore Network, Entrager states:
I actually used the project as a way of learning how to write games in XNA. I didnít really have a specific project to work on, so I just linked two controllers together over the network. I left it at that and started working on a puzzle game. When it became clear to me that what I had was something people might actually want to use over XBox Live, I decided to polish it up and release it.

Mhmm, I'm sure you don't have a 12 year old girlfriend in Alaska that you wanted to please.

If you want to get a look at this monster yourself, you can demo the game for up to 1 minute. For you "One Minute Men", lucky you, but for the rest of the sad, lonely Xbox Live users, the game will rape their wallet a bit.

Girls? Get ready for a bunch of perverts online offering to buy you this game.
Guys? Please.. just.. don't.
#Community    #Xbox360   
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About RiotMonsterone of us since 8:35 PM on 02.11.2008


How's it hanging nerdlings, geekettes, /b/asement-dwellers, stoners, web monkeys, indie devs, lurkers, trolls & industry fat cats?~

In case you don't know a lick about me, I joined Destructoid quite a few sunsets ago in the early Spring of 2008, when someone from the Internet kindly informed me that Destructoid would "eat your unborn babies". Having an insatiable taste for mucus-covered, unborn babies, I knew what I had to do. Plus, people were like "WHAT THE @#$% YOU TALKING BOUT MAN?!1! WE GOT XBOX AND PLAYSTATION BITCH NIGGAH!!1!" Naturally, I was in. Since then I lurke your forums, read your c-blawgs, listen to your podcasts and lul silently. Also, cocks.


Like most people, I have a wide range of interests. I adore anything from goofy people, offensive jokes, zombie flicks, stand-up comedians, and mind-altering experiences, to comic books, sexual positivity, philosophy, mysteries, and general bizarreness.

Also, I'm a die-hard gamer and I have an animated eagerness for spilling pixelated blood and a never-ending appetite for slaughtering moving polygons. I like to think of myself as a fairly laid-back broad. I was born with a sarcastic mindset, dark sense of humor, and an uttermost weakness for impassioned babble sessions about any video game (8-bit to 1080p) to date. I may be unorganized, immature, and irresponsible but Iím the funnest chick youíll have the chance to get teamed up with on xbox live.

You might spot me at any olí party with my signature tangled hair, ripped Hello Kitty pajama pants, and a battle-worn shirt. The girl who's most likely flapping her tongue, detailing the last minute curb stomp in her freshest match, growling about big corporations and government conspiracies, exploring the concept of eccentric theories or geeking out about some other irrelevant crap. The girl who strives to learn something new every day and genuinely enjoys turning strangers into friends.

That pathetic excuse for the girl next door, is me. If Iím not your cup of tea, you can not imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give.

Bullets, babes & bombs,

Last bit!~
Honestly, if you ever happen to have a hankering to just chill, blast some good jams & relish in lighthearted, videogame-related, blood-spraying with me... Hit me up. Shoot me a message if you want to talk about anything at all really, I'm a bit of an open book and not a bad listener, if I do say so myself. And hey~ If you let me, Iíll cheerfully put a couple of spiffy dreadlocks in your hair.


Atari 2600
Super NES
Nintendo 64
Nintendo GameCube
Nintendo DS Lite [Own]
Nintendo DSi
Nintendo Wii
Game Boy Original
Game Boy Color
Game Boy Pocket [Own]
Game Boy Advance SP
Sony PS2 Slim
Sony PSP
Sony PS3 [Own]
Sega Genesis
Sega Saturn
Sega Dreamcast
Xbox 360 Elite
Xbox 360 Arcade
Xbox 360 Slim [Own]


Action Role-playing
First-person Shooter
Third-person Shooter


It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia


Beer Pong

My Halo Days

Destructoids' Resident Bad Asses

Destructoids's Comic Artist Mikey, because of my severe addiction to the Dtoid forums, he made me an Easter Egg once. :)

MOMerator Zodiac Eclipse, because she owns SO HARD for this. (Bongette or Bob-ong)

Phallus Knife Fight drew this and it's fuckin EXCELLENT.

Epic-bearded Samurai Y0j1mb0 made me this because we're going to get hammered one of these days.

Xbox LIVE:The Kush Kitten
PSN ID:TheKushKitten


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